I am done with it. I am absolutely over and done with it. I have had to put up with so much of this shit and I don't want to be hurt anymore. I am the only person that is actually causing myself so much pain by keeping all your fricking e-mails, by visiting your facebook page regularly to see how you are because you don't reply to any of my e-mails. After all the shit I've done for you, you don't even seem to be capable to let me know how you are. Even though you know I love(d) you and I'm concerned about you. I haven't been the obsessive type with you I've left it how (apparantly) you wanted it to be. I didn't e-mail you too often (e.g. I've only send you two emails in the last four to six weeks which is nothing, telling you how I was doing, trying to approach you as a friend). I've gotten to a point right now in which I don't give a shit anymore. I've said this so many times to myself but today I'm changing my life drastically. I've had enough of this complete and utter bullshit and today I actually mean it.
I've deleted all your pictures of my phone and GOD that felt so good. They've been on there for more than several months now and I should've done it earlier. I didn't even look at the damn pictures, there wasn't a need for me to even look at them.
I've also just deleted 46 emails that I received from you over the past couple of months, all the exchanges of emails we've done and all the sweet and sour bitter crap that we shared and all the shit I've helped you with. I even deleted the folder I kept your fricking emails in because there's no need for me to keep it anymore because you're not sending me anything back anyway. GOD that feels great as well. But that's just one e-mail account let's go to the other and see what we can find. Ergh, deleted another folder with another 13 emails in it. I'm more than sure that there have been more but I'm happy I can't find them at the moment.
My laptop is fairly new so I don't have that many photo's on it but lets see what we can find and can delete. Good, only two photo's of us....DELETE...GOD the smell of freedom!
I have deleted your text messages a very long long time ago so I don't have to worry about that.
There is only one thing left that I want/need to do. Saterday (in less than two days) is my birthday. You broke up with me just a couple of days before your own, I still called you and I still gave you your present. I haven't heard from you in ages while YOU made ME promis to keep in touch, to let each other know how we are. I tried to live up to that promise. Too bad you never replied to my e-mails and I haven't heard from you for over 4 or 6 weeks even. If you contact me in any way on my birthday trying to congratulate me...fine...that means that we can be friends, but the effort won't come from my side. If you don't...Easy that means that you're no longer a friend to me. I've already found the right button on facebook to get you out of my friends list. I will however, send you and your family a Christmas card, because I had a great bond with them, especially his mother and she helped me (more importantly I helped the fricking bastard and her more than the other way around, no offence towards the woman it's a lovely, lovely lady and he should be proud to have a mum like that but the only thing he can do is complain about her)with so many things. To me it is just a way to say; 'Thanks for everything, have a nice life'.
For some reason I can't wait to hit that little button on facebook that says: 'Remove from friends'. It might seem evil, but I am so fucking happy that I am finally able to just let go of this son of a bitch after three and a half months... As I already stated; I can smell my freedom
Thursday, 16 December 2010
Monday, 13 December 2010
Smoking 2
A while ago now I wrote a blog about smoking and the real reason I should be quitting. For those who are interested: I haven't smoked since the day I've written that blog and I don't feel like it. Whenever I smell the smoke of cigarettes I don't feel the need to light one up myself, I actually think it's digusting...Great isn't it?!
Sunday, 5 December 2010
The Scientist
I never liked Coldplay. I just don't like the singers voice... I just realised something I didn't want to realise. I was scrolling through an amazing pianist David Sides who literally has covered every single song on Earth (not really of course but a lot) and as I was scrolling I came past a song called the Scientist. Most people will know this song. I have never properly listened to it. Meaning that I never listened to the lyrics properly. My ex boyfriend loved this song and played it on the piano more than often. I just don't like the fact that the lyrics just describes what I want. I want to go back to the start, when we met, when we fell in love so that I can be happy again...
Come up to meet you, Tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let’s go back to the start
Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Comin’ our tails, Heads on the science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Aww take me back to the start
I was just guessin’, At numbers and figures, Pullin’ the puzzles apart
Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, Come back to haunt me, Oh when I rush to the start
Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Chasin’ our tails, Comin’ back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Aww It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m goin’ back to the start
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Come up to meet you, Tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let’s go back to the start
Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Comin’ our tails, Heads on the science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Aww take me back to the start
I was just guessin’, At numbers and figures, Pullin’ the puzzles apart
Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, Come back to haunt me, Oh when I rush to the start
Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Chasin’ our tails, Comin’ back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Aww It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m goin’ back to the start
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
'Hey, let me be your soulmate'
I noticed that my blogs have become more and more emotional recently. When I started writing my blogs they were mainly about life and how to approach it positively. My last few blogs however have been more about how I've experienced it in a negative way. I am definitely getting a different pill tomorrow as the one I'm on now is giving me moodswings and it makes me more hostile. I am mean and bitchy towards my friends, one of my friends hardly dares to speak to me fearing my reaction because I am so unpredictable. I can be nice but I can definitely be very very mean and agressive as well. Unfortunately you will never know what to expect to get as an answer when you open your mouth.
I hate that I am the person who I am today. I hate what has happened to me in the past which made me who I am. Because I am not acting like the person I actually am. Very confusing isn't it. I have always been a very bubbly girl, up for meeting new people and new big adventures. I have always been the first in line to go and play with my friends and try out a new game but nowadays it feels like my skin doesn't fit the person in it anymore. I don't want others to know that I'm vulnerable and I definitely don't want them to see or notice. I am putting up this wall of aggresiveness compaired with the bubbly old self to make up for the bad part. This is because I don't feel like anything is worth living for. I just lost my dearest possesion and damn it went oh so quick that I can hardly remember enjoying him around me. What is there to live for if you are unhappy anyway and aren't able to become happy with that one particular thing. They say you don't know what you've lost untill it is gone but I enjoyed every single moment being together with this person because I already knew we had to leave each other within a short period of time. Friends come and go, some of them will wait around to be there when you most need them whereas others just come and go for the fun. This person I am talking about wasn't a friend... he was my soulmate.
Because I know I am so vulnerable, because I know that I need someone in my life to replace this individual I am being a horrible person. I don't want anyone to get the chance to step into my life and say 'hey, let me be your soulmate, I'll change everything and make you feel better'...because I am scared to loose this person as well...and it is true. God takes away everything you need most. Why? To make you a stronger person, to teach you lifelessons and to show you that you can take the world on your own. I don't even believe in God. God is a lie and if he does exist he's an asshole.
I have lost my mother at a young age and if I could say one thing to her it would be an apology. I would apologise to her for not sitting next to her holding her hand when she was in her bed being sick and ill just a few days before she died. I would apologise to ignore the fact someone told me that you needed my sister and I. That even though you were a sleep it would've meant the world to you knowing that my sister or I was sitting next to you. Showing that we loved you. I avoided going into your room. You were lying in your bed, you couldn't even heat yourself up with your own bodytemperature because you hardly had a temperature. How in Earth could I have sat next to you, watching you slowly die. I didn't want you to leave us so I avoided the impossible. Seeing you leave this world slowly. I wish I would've snuggled up in your bed so I could have given you my warmth. So that at least you would've known that I really cared about you. You were so busy correcting my sister that you hardly ever had time left for me. I could've joined you through that difficult period showing you that I didn't care you'd neglected me a bit. Especially because I feel like I have neglected you all the way through your illness...
I wish I could've seen more of you, that you could've been there during my worst struggles. That you would be here now to hug me now I'm going through another difficult time. I miss this boy so much it hurts, it stings, it just makes me wanna break myself up so I don't have to feel anymore. I have lost an important person before, have I just lost another one? Or will I be able to say in time that I was being silly and I can be happy with someone else around me.
Sometimes I wish you could just write me a letter, telling me what to do. Telling me how to live on with my life because at the moment I would not know how to live on, only how to end it...
I hate that I am the person who I am today. I hate what has happened to me in the past which made me who I am. Because I am not acting like the person I actually am. Very confusing isn't it. I have always been a very bubbly girl, up for meeting new people and new big adventures. I have always been the first in line to go and play with my friends and try out a new game but nowadays it feels like my skin doesn't fit the person in it anymore. I don't want others to know that I'm vulnerable and I definitely don't want them to see or notice. I am putting up this wall of aggresiveness compaired with the bubbly old self to make up for the bad part. This is because I don't feel like anything is worth living for. I just lost my dearest possesion and damn it went oh so quick that I can hardly remember enjoying him around me. What is there to live for if you are unhappy anyway and aren't able to become happy with that one particular thing. They say you don't know what you've lost untill it is gone but I enjoyed every single moment being together with this person because I already knew we had to leave each other within a short period of time. Friends come and go, some of them will wait around to be there when you most need them whereas others just come and go for the fun. This person I am talking about wasn't a friend... he was my soulmate.
Because I know I am so vulnerable, because I know that I need someone in my life to replace this individual I am being a horrible person. I don't want anyone to get the chance to step into my life and say 'hey, let me be your soulmate, I'll change everything and make you feel better'...because I am scared to loose this person as well...and it is true. God takes away everything you need most. Why? To make you a stronger person, to teach you lifelessons and to show you that you can take the world on your own. I don't even believe in God. God is a lie and if he does exist he's an asshole.
I have lost my mother at a young age and if I could say one thing to her it would be an apology. I would apologise to her for not sitting next to her holding her hand when she was in her bed being sick and ill just a few days before she died. I would apologise to ignore the fact someone told me that you needed my sister and I. That even though you were a sleep it would've meant the world to you knowing that my sister or I was sitting next to you. Showing that we loved you. I avoided going into your room. You were lying in your bed, you couldn't even heat yourself up with your own bodytemperature because you hardly had a temperature. How in Earth could I have sat next to you, watching you slowly die. I didn't want you to leave us so I avoided the impossible. Seeing you leave this world slowly. I wish I would've snuggled up in your bed so I could have given you my warmth. So that at least you would've known that I really cared about you. You were so busy correcting my sister that you hardly ever had time left for me. I could've joined you through that difficult period showing you that I didn't care you'd neglected me a bit. Especially because I feel like I have neglected you all the way through your illness...
I wish I could've seen more of you, that you could've been there during my worst struggles. That you would be here now to hug me now I'm going through another difficult time. I miss this boy so much it hurts, it stings, it just makes me wanna break myself up so I don't have to feel anymore. I have lost an important person before, have I just lost another one? Or will I be able to say in time that I was being silly and I can be happy with someone else around me.
Sometimes I wish you could just write me a letter, telling me what to do. Telling me how to live on with my life because at the moment I would not know how to live on, only how to end it...
Smoking
After I went to bed yesterday I had almost forced myself up again because I thought of something very important concercing a bad habit of mine. Yet I couldn't because I was already dozing off and too tired.
When I got back from Uni I got bored so I watched three episodes from Style by Jury. One of the episodes was about a woman who smoked excessively. Her teeth and gum were damaged so badly that she didn't dare to smile and believe me it looked as if a bomb had gone off in her mouth. Both her father, mother and brother had died of cancer due to smoking but she still smoked. The host posed her a question; why does an intelligent person smoke? They all know the consequences of smoking, they know what it does physically and mentally so why would you do it? Especially when you know your loved ones have died because of it?!
I realised that this is true. I used to smoke, this turned into quitting, this then turned into smoking at a party or when I had fun with friends. But I have fun with friends in the weekend just as much as during the week so I started smoking every single day. Sometimes just one cigarette whereas other times I could finish a pack a day on my own. I have finished my A-Levels in England (equivalent to VWO in Holland) meaning that I am definitely not a stupid or dumb person. I'm considered to be of, at least, average intelligence and yet I do light up a cigeratte more than often.
What I suddenly realised and had striken me badly yesterday is the fact that my own mother has died because of breastcancer and the reason her body couldn't fight against it was because she was a smoker. If she didn't smoke she would've had a better chance of surviving but she didn't. This is a god damn good reason for myself NOT to smoke, not often, not now and then, just NEVER. Yet still I do/did. My mother was a good, loving person and everything she did was good for others and there's something in me that wants to be as much like my mother as can be. I changed my surname to hers, which already proves a lot. This gives me the reason to smoke, becaus she did it I can do it as well.
I am sure that when my mother would be able to see me she would be more than happy, proud and fierce to see how well I am doing at Uni, in life, with my family and friends etc. However when I think about it, one thing is for sure; my mother definitely would have tears in her eyes every single time I would light up a cigarette. She would probably hate herself for being the bad person influencing her own children by lighting them up herself in front of me when I was little. She wouldn't want me to do the bad things she did. Now that...is a good enough reason to quit.
When I got back from Uni I got bored so I watched three episodes from Style by Jury. One of the episodes was about a woman who smoked excessively. Her teeth and gum were damaged so badly that she didn't dare to smile and believe me it looked as if a bomb had gone off in her mouth. Both her father, mother and brother had died of cancer due to smoking but she still smoked. The host posed her a question; why does an intelligent person smoke? They all know the consequences of smoking, they know what it does physically and mentally so why would you do it? Especially when you know your loved ones have died because of it?!
I realised that this is true. I used to smoke, this turned into quitting, this then turned into smoking at a party or when I had fun with friends. But I have fun with friends in the weekend just as much as during the week so I started smoking every single day. Sometimes just one cigarette whereas other times I could finish a pack a day on my own. I have finished my A-Levels in England (equivalent to VWO in Holland) meaning that I am definitely not a stupid or dumb person. I'm considered to be of, at least, average intelligence and yet I do light up a cigeratte more than often.
What I suddenly realised and had striken me badly yesterday is the fact that my own mother has died because of breastcancer and the reason her body couldn't fight against it was because she was a smoker. If she didn't smoke she would've had a better chance of surviving but she didn't. This is a god damn good reason for myself NOT to smoke, not often, not now and then, just NEVER. Yet still I do/did. My mother was a good, loving person and everything she did was good for others and there's something in me that wants to be as much like my mother as can be. I changed my surname to hers, which already proves a lot. This gives me the reason to smoke, becaus she did it I can do it as well.
I am sure that when my mother would be able to see me she would be more than happy, proud and fierce to see how well I am doing at Uni, in life, with my family and friends etc. However when I think about it, one thing is for sure; my mother definitely would have tears in her eyes every single time I would light up a cigarette. She would probably hate herself for being the bad person influencing her own children by lighting them up herself in front of me when I was little. She wouldn't want me to do the bad things she did. Now that...is a good enough reason to quit.
Monday, 29 November 2010
Without You
Translation from the Dutch lyrics
I have put on a mask
And when my friends ask me
I tell them it's wonderful being alone
Your photos are already taken down
As if I can suddenly forget
That I miss you
How cold it is
How empty it is without you
around me
I can't let you go
Even though I say it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
No, I don't live in a world without you
I've tried almost everything
I lie when they ask me how I am
I read some books, watch TV
But that doesn't change anything
I still feel
I still desire
I still think
About you and only you
I can't let you go
Even though I say it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
No, I don't live in a world without you
Time is standing still
Time that healls all wounds
It doesn't run without you
I can't let you go
Even though I scream it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
And everything I love so much
No I don't live in a world
Without you
I have put on a mask
And when my friends ask me
I tell them it's wonderful being alone
Your photos are already taken down
As if I can suddenly forget
That I miss you
How cold it is
How empty it is without you
around me
I can't let you go
Even though I say it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
No, I don't live in a world without you
I've tried almost everything
I lie when they ask me how I am
I read some books, watch TV
But that doesn't change anything
I still feel
I still desire
I still think
About you and only you
I can't let you go
Even though I say it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
No, I don't live in a world without you
Time is standing still
Time that healls all wounds
It doesn't run without you
I can't let you go
Even though I scream it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
And everything I love so much
No I don't live in a world
Without you
Zonder Jou
Ik heb een masker opgezet
En als mijn vrienden erom vragen
Zeg ik dat het heerlijk is alleen
Je foto's zijn al van de wand
Alsof ik zo vergeten kan
Dat ik je mis
Hoe koud het is
Hoe leeg zo zonder jou
Hier om me heen
Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al zeg ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld zonder jou
Ik heb bijna alles geprobeerd
Alles om je te vergeten
Ik lieg als ze me vragen hoe het gaat
Ik lees wat boeken, kijk TV
Maar daar verandert ook niets mee
Ik voel nog steeds
Verlang nog steeds
Ik denk nog steeds
En steeds alleen aan jou
Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al zeg ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld zonder jou
De tijd staat stil
De tijd die alle wonden heelt
Ze loopt niet zonder jou
Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al schreeuw ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
En alles aan je waar ik zo van hou
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld
Zonder jou
En als mijn vrienden erom vragen
Zeg ik dat het heerlijk is alleen
Je foto's zijn al van de wand
Alsof ik zo vergeten kan
Dat ik je mis
Hoe koud het is
Hoe leeg zo zonder jou
Hier om me heen
Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al zeg ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld zonder jou
Ik heb bijna alles geprobeerd
Alles om je te vergeten
Ik lieg als ze me vragen hoe het gaat
Ik lees wat boeken, kijk TV
Maar daar verandert ook niets mee
Ik voel nog steeds
Verlang nog steeds
Ik denk nog steeds
En steeds alleen aan jou
Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al zeg ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld zonder jou
De tijd staat stil
De tijd die alle wonden heelt
Ze loopt niet zonder jou
Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al schreeuw ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
En alles aan je waar ik zo van hou
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld
Zonder jou
Thursday, 25 November 2010
Meaning of what?
I guess many people are having problems with the question I am about to pose and I am sure that many people don't even understand the sincerity of it. But what in god's name is the purpose of life?
Why are we humans on this little life bulb called Earth. I had a very deep conversation with one of my roommates the other day and she believes that every single human being is alive and on this planet for a reason. That reason can be big or small, but it will always be big for the person in question. After looking at her like a dumb donkey I dared her to tell me what my life purpose is, because I hadn't/haven't found out yet myself. She honestly thinks that the purpose of my life is to help other people, which to a certain extent is true. As long as I like these people I am more than happy to help them with their issues, I'll even catch a bullet for them. Why? Simple....Because I don't give a fuck about myself.
I will never ever bend down to pick up what another person has dropped if I don't like them. I don't even think they deserve a nice facial expression from me when they are around. You see how horrible I am? The reason I am doing this is because individuals, or just people in general depends on how you look at it, have fucked me over so much that I don't think it's worth any effort to make new friends or be kind. Yes I am a bad person so that proves the point that I want to help people to a certain degree.
Back to the main question however. In a nutshell; we are pooped out by our mothers, learn how to walk and talk. Go to kindergarden, primary school, secondary school, high school, get a degree, job, wife/husband kids, a dog and live life happily ever after and then die. Of course most individuals experience it in a slightly different way (think of divorced parents, death of spouse etc) but this is just my simple train of though. So really. What's the use of life?
My theory is that when you kill two thirds of the entire humanity the world and it's content will be better off. Why? Because that'll mean there's less polution of any kind, etc. I am more than happy to be the first to be shot in the head for this project because I believe this is the only way we'll be able to save planet Earth from ourselves.
You know what, commiting suicide seems so simple and easy nowadays. Even when I am watching a film and something happens to one of the maincharacters that is emotionally tearing me apart I automatically think 'well kill yourself it'll save you all the bullshit and crap'. Most people might not understand this because they haven't been through the same stuff as I did. Others do understand it but I don't want to know about it.
To be honest there is really no good answer to this question. If you don't want to live I'll say commit suicide, if you do enjoy life then don't. I myself try to live every single day to the full, it's the little things that keep me going even though I'm probably as suicidal as I can be. I wouldn't give a shit being hit by a truck and dying instantly, I wouldn't give a shit being hit and having to suffer before dying. That's life. Of course there are people in my life that I care about and I know they'll be more than upset to find out I'm dead. However, the only people I really care about are very old anyway and I think they won't make it another five or ten years or so. People don't really need me help, when I'm gone they'll be able to let their emotions loose on someone else. When I'm gone they'll grieve about me for a couple of months, finis. nada. punt. klaar. That's it.
Then why am I still alive? Because I don't have the balls? Because I am too weak to actually throw myself off a building or a bridge or jump in front of a train? I don't know, I've never tried it so I can't say. It is more that I keep going because of curiosity. I believe that there is actually something out there worth living for, I thought I had found that something a couple of months ago but that just turned out to be a big no go. I still cry myself to sleep many nights because of it. I will keep going until I have found out for sure whether there is something to live for. It may be an object, a person, or whatever. I'm too curious to give up now. And if there isn't anything out there...well...
I'll have to think of a damn creative and original way to rob myself from my own life as I hate copycats.
Why are we humans on this little life bulb called Earth. I had a very deep conversation with one of my roommates the other day and she believes that every single human being is alive and on this planet for a reason. That reason can be big or small, but it will always be big for the person in question. After looking at her like a dumb donkey I dared her to tell me what my life purpose is, because I hadn't/haven't found out yet myself. She honestly thinks that the purpose of my life is to help other people, which to a certain extent is true. As long as I like these people I am more than happy to help them with their issues, I'll even catch a bullet for them. Why? Simple....Because I don't give a fuck about myself.
I will never ever bend down to pick up what another person has dropped if I don't like them. I don't even think they deserve a nice facial expression from me when they are around. You see how horrible I am? The reason I am doing this is because individuals, or just people in general depends on how you look at it, have fucked me over so much that I don't think it's worth any effort to make new friends or be kind. Yes I am a bad person so that proves the point that I want to help people to a certain degree.
Back to the main question however. In a nutshell; we are pooped out by our mothers, learn how to walk and talk. Go to kindergarden, primary school, secondary school, high school, get a degree, job, wife/husband kids, a dog and live life happily ever after and then die. Of course most individuals experience it in a slightly different way (think of divorced parents, death of spouse etc) but this is just my simple train of though. So really. What's the use of life?
My theory is that when you kill two thirds of the entire humanity the world and it's content will be better off. Why? Because that'll mean there's less polution of any kind, etc. I am more than happy to be the first to be shot in the head for this project because I believe this is the only way we'll be able to save planet Earth from ourselves.
You know what, commiting suicide seems so simple and easy nowadays. Even when I am watching a film and something happens to one of the maincharacters that is emotionally tearing me apart I automatically think 'well kill yourself it'll save you all the bullshit and crap'. Most people might not understand this because they haven't been through the same stuff as I did. Others do understand it but I don't want to know about it.
To be honest there is really no good answer to this question. If you don't want to live I'll say commit suicide, if you do enjoy life then don't. I myself try to live every single day to the full, it's the little things that keep me going even though I'm probably as suicidal as I can be. I wouldn't give a shit being hit by a truck and dying instantly, I wouldn't give a shit being hit and having to suffer before dying. That's life. Of course there are people in my life that I care about and I know they'll be more than upset to find out I'm dead. However, the only people I really care about are very old anyway and I think they won't make it another five or ten years or so. People don't really need me help, when I'm gone they'll be able to let their emotions loose on someone else. When I'm gone they'll grieve about me for a couple of months, finis. nada. punt. klaar. That's it.
Then why am I still alive? Because I don't have the balls? Because I am too weak to actually throw myself off a building or a bridge or jump in front of a train? I don't know, I've never tried it so I can't say. It is more that I keep going because of curiosity. I believe that there is actually something out there worth living for, I thought I had found that something a couple of months ago but that just turned out to be a big no go. I still cry myself to sleep many nights because of it. I will keep going until I have found out for sure whether there is something to live for. It may be an object, a person, or whatever. I'm too curious to give up now. And if there isn't anything out there...well...
I'll have to think of a damn creative and original way to rob myself from my own life as I hate copycats.
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
No one wants a broken heart
I was writing my best male friend an e-mail the other day and when I was reading it again it kind of shocked me. He told me that the reason I have boyfriends is because I need someone. Doesn't matter who it is. Unfortunately that is true to a certain degree, but something has happened over the past couple of months that has changed that. I'll save you a long story and just put the main bit in and explain it afterwards.
"I just want to get one thing straight. When I got to know Ben I thought I wasn't over Harry yet. As you know the relationship between Harry and me was just one big lie. I wasn't planning on getting a new boyfriend because I had already in mind to find a new cute man in Holland. I had only 6 months to go and that is a very short period. I was already glad that I didnt have to break up with Harry 'just because I happened to be Dutch and I happened to move back to Holland'. But Ben just crossed my path. As I said, I didn't expect him to step in to my life and most of all, I didn't expect that I would fall in love with him. I'm sorry to say this as it must be very hard for you to swollow. But I love that guy to the bone. For whom he is and for what he has done to me. He has showed me that after all that pain men have brought me there is actually one guy out there who hasn't got the intention to hurt me. At the same time that is the biggest reason I hate him. I hate it when he doesn't email me back straight away but a month later after I've put effort in writing an e-mail. I hate knowing that he's having fun with loads of new girls around him as he's in sixth form now. I hate how I dream about him almost every night in which I still tbelieve we're together and I hate waking up after knowing it was just a dream. I hate thinking about him, I hate talking about him. I hate that I hate him and I hate that he's got me under his skin. Because it hurts. It hurts so much James. Contradicting isn't it? And its that you can't see it but saying this makes me cry. I've never spilled so many tears over a guy. So many real tears. he makes me vulnerable and you are the person to know that no one is allowed to see that. "
I'll start at the beginning. At the end of 2009 my boyfriend back then, called Harry, broke up with me. At that time I was devastated but it only took me five weeks to realise that I had never liked him. That I went out with him because I needed the cuddles, kisses and hugs. He wasn't the first with whom I realised that was actually why I went out with them. This was because we had absolutely nothing in common. I'm extravert, very open and honest. He made me quiet and shy. Someone/thing I'm not but above all; we never talked. I don't think that in those ten months we went out we ever had a proper conversation about something serious. About what he wanted to do when he was older, or what I wanted to become when I was old enough to get a job and kids. What interested him or the other way around. I don't even know his favourite colour or food. I still don't even though we were 'friends' at first. You see we were stuck together at school in this group with about twenty people. I don't think that the majority could even get along so I'd already known Harry for over a year when we started dating and going out.
Anyway back to that e-mail. We'd broken up and the christmas holiday had started. I finally felt fine after five long and lonely weeks trying to get over the fact he had dumped me (and not the other way around). I even think that was the hardest bit for me to deal with, the fact that I got dumped. During the Christmas holiday I got in touch with this little brother of another 'friend' of mine. This was over facebook and he randomly started commenting on one of my photographs. After heavy and fun discussions on facebook we exchanged e-mail addresses and started chatting on msn (how cheecky). I found out that this little brother of my friend was actually more mature than my friend himself. Definitely more handsome I have to say. You know what it's like. You start to chatt and you start to fancy him. O.K. I didn't actually know the guy because I never had a conversation with him in real life, but nonetheless this made it more interesting and adventerous. From then on it all went so fast, before we knew it we were a couple. However no one knew, at least not the unimportant people, because he is a little bit younger than me and we thought it would've been the best for ourselves if not that many people knew about it.
God what an amazing time we had in England. It hurts thinking about the many fun things we've done, about all the times I got in hysterics because of him. It hurts thinking about his handsome face and the little things he used to do. I miss his clumsiness and I love the fact he's stubborn as hell. I also love the fact he sticks his tongue out to one side when he's concentrating on something and I also love the fact he can give such cheecky smiles without knowing it and that he used to turn red when I pointed out he was giving me that sexy, sexy smile. I miss his childish handwriting and I miss the way he smells. Even after having broken up for two months and two weeks already.
I wasn't even planning on meeting this guy. I knew I was going back to holland within six months and I was mentally preparing myself for that. There's a reason why I say; "I'm sorry to say this and it must be very hard for you to swollow" to my friend in the e-mail. This is because the night before I left England I threw a "Goodbye" party for my friends. My best friend got a bit pissed and as we both slept in the boarding house he turned up to my door at night. It took him so much effort to tell me the stuff he had told me that night but he admitted that he had been head over heels with me probably since he had known me, which is more than two years. Even after I've been the biggest bitch to him. Excuse me for my use of language but there is no better word to desribe it. I've done and said the most horrible things to my best friend because I was trying to keep him on a distance. Because I'm scared of losing people, good friends, as I've been through it all before. I hate myself for spending more time with my ex boyfriend than with my friends but that is the way things happened back then.
I'm such a chaos when you think about it. I make people hate me so I don't have to bond with them. James found out the hard way and still stayed loyal to me. Ben turned out to be a dissapointment in every single way. Guys when you ever consider it; long distance relationship just don't work. I'm the result and the prove of it. No one wants a broken heart
"I just want to get one thing straight. When I got to know Ben I thought I wasn't over Harry yet. As you know the relationship between Harry and me was just one big lie. I wasn't planning on getting a new boyfriend because I had already in mind to find a new cute man in Holland. I had only 6 months to go and that is a very short period. I was already glad that I didnt have to break up with Harry 'just because I happened to be Dutch and I happened to move back to Holland'. But Ben just crossed my path. As I said, I didn't expect him to step in to my life and most of all, I didn't expect that I would fall in love with him. I'm sorry to say this as it must be very hard for you to swollow. But I love that guy to the bone. For whom he is and for what he has done to me. He has showed me that after all that pain men have brought me there is actually one guy out there who hasn't got the intention to hurt me. At the same time that is the biggest reason I hate him. I hate it when he doesn't email me back straight away but a month later after I've put effort in writing an e-mail. I hate knowing that he's having fun with loads of new girls around him as he's in sixth form now. I hate how I dream about him almost every night in which I still tbelieve we're together and I hate waking up after knowing it was just a dream. I hate thinking about him, I hate talking about him. I hate that I hate him and I hate that he's got me under his skin. Because it hurts. It hurts so much James. Contradicting isn't it? And its that you can't see it but saying this makes me cry. I've never spilled so many tears over a guy. So many real tears. he makes me vulnerable and you are the person to know that no one is allowed to see that. "
I'll start at the beginning. At the end of 2009 my boyfriend back then, called Harry, broke up with me. At that time I was devastated but it only took me five weeks to realise that I had never liked him. That I went out with him because I needed the cuddles, kisses and hugs. He wasn't the first with whom I realised that was actually why I went out with them. This was because we had absolutely nothing in common. I'm extravert, very open and honest. He made me quiet and shy. Someone/thing I'm not but above all; we never talked. I don't think that in those ten months we went out we ever had a proper conversation about something serious. About what he wanted to do when he was older, or what I wanted to become when I was old enough to get a job and kids. What interested him or the other way around. I don't even know his favourite colour or food. I still don't even though we were 'friends' at first. You see we were stuck together at school in this group with about twenty people. I don't think that the majority could even get along so I'd already known Harry for over a year when we started dating and going out.
Anyway back to that e-mail. We'd broken up and the christmas holiday had started. I finally felt fine after five long and lonely weeks trying to get over the fact he had dumped me (and not the other way around). I even think that was the hardest bit for me to deal with, the fact that I got dumped. During the Christmas holiday I got in touch with this little brother of another 'friend' of mine. This was over facebook and he randomly started commenting on one of my photographs. After heavy and fun discussions on facebook we exchanged e-mail addresses and started chatting on msn (how cheecky). I found out that this little brother of my friend was actually more mature than my friend himself. Definitely more handsome I have to say. You know what it's like. You start to chatt and you start to fancy him. O.K. I didn't actually know the guy because I never had a conversation with him in real life, but nonetheless this made it more interesting and adventerous. From then on it all went so fast, before we knew it we were a couple. However no one knew, at least not the unimportant people, because he is a little bit younger than me and we thought it would've been the best for ourselves if not that many people knew about it.
God what an amazing time we had in England. It hurts thinking about the many fun things we've done, about all the times I got in hysterics because of him. It hurts thinking about his handsome face and the little things he used to do. I miss his clumsiness and I love the fact he's stubborn as hell. I also love the fact he sticks his tongue out to one side when he's concentrating on something and I also love the fact he can give such cheecky smiles without knowing it and that he used to turn red when I pointed out he was giving me that sexy, sexy smile. I miss his childish handwriting and I miss the way he smells. Even after having broken up for two months and two weeks already.
I wasn't even planning on meeting this guy. I knew I was going back to holland within six months and I was mentally preparing myself for that. There's a reason why I say; "I'm sorry to say this and it must be very hard for you to swollow" to my friend in the e-mail. This is because the night before I left England I threw a "Goodbye" party for my friends. My best friend got a bit pissed and as we both slept in the boarding house he turned up to my door at night. It took him so much effort to tell me the stuff he had told me that night but he admitted that he had been head over heels with me probably since he had known me, which is more than two years. Even after I've been the biggest bitch to him. Excuse me for my use of language but there is no better word to desribe it. I've done and said the most horrible things to my best friend because I was trying to keep him on a distance. Because I'm scared of losing people, good friends, as I've been through it all before. I hate myself for spending more time with my ex boyfriend than with my friends but that is the way things happened back then.
I'm such a chaos when you think about it. I make people hate me so I don't have to bond with them. James found out the hard way and still stayed loyal to me. Ben turned out to be a dissapointment in every single way. Guys when you ever consider it; long distance relationship just don't work. I'm the result and the prove of it. No one wants a broken heart
Thursday, 21 October 2010
'Hello, Goodbye'
A few days ago I was watching this Dutch television program that is called 'Hello, Goodbye'. People at the airport are being interviewed and some stories can get quite emotional, while others are fun to watch.
This woman was being interviewed and it started off as a basic simple story that didn't seem interesting. In the end I felt quite addressed. This woman was telling how she was waiting for her son who had been together with his 'girlfiend' for over seven years and they got married a week before and they were about to get back from there honeymoon. That was why she was at the airport, she was waiting for them to arrive so she could pick them up. Normal story isn't it?
But wait...there's more...the interviewer then asked her what the marriage was like. She told him it was very emotional, especially because her sons father (her ex-husband) had died two years previously and it was very hard for her son to deal with the fact that his father couldn't be there on 'the big day'. That made me realise that whenever I get married in the futur, or whenever I get pregnant and get kids.... No one, but I mean no one will be there to celebrate it with me. My mother died on my 12th birthday so when I get married I won't be able to see the tears in her eyes of happyness when I tell her the big news. Nor will she be there for me when my kids take their first steps like both my grandmother and mother were there when I took my first steps.
For all the big life changing events I'll have to do it on my own. Yes I have got other family members that care about me. The only ones I care about are my grandparents but they are 84 and 85 at the moment so by the time I'll have kids they'll be gone as well. You know what. It hurts, quite bad. I wan't to be proud and show my proudness to my mother. Sometimes I believe that she is looking down on me or at least looking over my shoulder but at other times I think this is just complete bullshit. She really isn't here anymore and if she is around I won't know until I die myself.
So I got a solution to this story; don't find a cute husband, don't get married and don't get kids. Can we just forward to the age of 92 so I can die soon please?
This woman was being interviewed and it started off as a basic simple story that didn't seem interesting. In the end I felt quite addressed. This woman was telling how she was waiting for her son who had been together with his 'girlfiend' for over seven years and they got married a week before and they were about to get back from there honeymoon. That was why she was at the airport, she was waiting for them to arrive so she could pick them up. Normal story isn't it?
But wait...there's more...the interviewer then asked her what the marriage was like. She told him it was very emotional, especially because her sons father (her ex-husband) had died two years previously and it was very hard for her son to deal with the fact that his father couldn't be there on 'the big day'. That made me realise that whenever I get married in the futur, or whenever I get pregnant and get kids.... No one, but I mean no one will be there to celebrate it with me. My mother died on my 12th birthday so when I get married I won't be able to see the tears in her eyes of happyness when I tell her the big news. Nor will she be there for me when my kids take their first steps like both my grandmother and mother were there when I took my first steps.
For all the big life changing events I'll have to do it on my own. Yes I have got other family members that care about me. The only ones I care about are my grandparents but they are 84 and 85 at the moment so by the time I'll have kids they'll be gone as well. You know what. It hurts, quite bad. I wan't to be proud and show my proudness to my mother. Sometimes I believe that she is looking down on me or at least looking over my shoulder but at other times I think this is just complete bullshit. She really isn't here anymore and if she is around I won't know until I die myself.
So I got a solution to this story; don't find a cute husband, don't get married and don't get kids. Can we just forward to the age of 92 so I can die soon please?
Friday, 8 October 2010
Sunday, 3 October 2010
I can't believe that I let this get to me that much. It's just one big chaos inside my head. I don't know what to do I'm just way too confused about everything. I don't know what to do with myself that's the biggest problem I guess. I love music, I've always loved to listen to every kind of genre. Somehow, and I can't help it, I pick up lines from the lyrics during the song, even if I'm not properly listening and it just makes me think about everything. The weirdest thing is, it can be metal, r&b, hiphop, electronic/dance, rock, 1920's Burt Bacharach shit, I still pick up stupid lines. Sometimes even complete songs, RIDICULOUS ain't it?
-His lips, his lips, I could kiss all day if he would let me. His laugh, his laugh, he hates but I think it's so sexy.
-Love is letting go, and this I know.
-I could shape your mind, but why waste time, my dear.
-Seen my soul walk away, as I lay down to sleep on a bed, made of thorns and the heat, made me run the confusion ahead. And i sleep, try and dream.
-Angel oh Angel eyes, darling I love you. Angel oh Angel eyes, darling I'll be holding you tonight.
-What once was, now is gone
-I hold on, always will
-Looked out my window, just the other night. I was looking for your light, shine for me one last time....Bright
-Say you'll never give your heart away again.
-I'd rather be lonely
-Sorry you put your trust in others and they let you down
-Cried yourself to sleep so many nights saying to yourself never again
-I can't take back the decision that I made to love
-I remember the break up and the condition that my heart was in
-There's nothing that time can't heal
-Can we pretend that airplanes in the nightsky are shooting star, I could really use a wish right now
-I will not leave a letter, nothing at all, I'm sure you won't notice that I'm even gone
-I'm sorry, for the times that I made you scream, for the times that I killed your dreams, for the times that I made your whole world rumble.
-I'm nobody's wife!
-It's too bad, but that's me
-Lately my whole aim is to maintain
-Anyone who ever loved, could look at me, and know that I love you. Anyone who ever dreamt, could look at me, and know I dream of you.
-So, anyone who had a heart would take me in his arms and love me to, you, couldn't really have a heart, and hurt me like you hurt me and be so untrue. What am I to do?
-Live the life so endlessly
-I tried to heal your broken heart with all that I could
-How do I live, without the ones I love?
-I know the drill, you got your ball and chain
-Lately Ì've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own, everybody has their private world, where they can be alone
-Love for sale
-Why don't you love me?
-It's a silent murder, it's a grave that sings your song. It's quite failure, it's the one that makes you strong.
-I am heading down, a long, empty road
-Wish I was too dead to care
-In the brighest hour, of my darkest day, I realise what is wrong with me. Can't get over you, can't get through to you. It's been a helterskelter romance from the start!
-Because days, come and go, but my feelings for you are forever!
That's from about 40 songs already, and I've got about 6000 songs on my laptop, can you imagine the hell I must go through???
-His lips, his lips, I could kiss all day if he would let me. His laugh, his laugh, he hates but I think it's so sexy.
-Love is letting go, and this I know.
-I could shape your mind, but why waste time, my dear.
-Seen my soul walk away, as I lay down to sleep on a bed, made of thorns and the heat, made me run the confusion ahead. And i sleep, try and dream.
-Angel oh Angel eyes, darling I love you. Angel oh Angel eyes, darling I'll be holding you tonight.
-What once was, now is gone
-I hold on, always will
-Looked out my window, just the other night. I was looking for your light, shine for me one last time....Bright
-Say you'll never give your heart away again.
-I'd rather be lonely
-Sorry you put your trust in others and they let you down
-Cried yourself to sleep so many nights saying to yourself never again
-I can't take back the decision that I made to love
-I remember the break up and the condition that my heart was in
-There's nothing that time can't heal
-Can we pretend that airplanes in the nightsky are shooting star, I could really use a wish right now
-I will not leave a letter, nothing at all, I'm sure you won't notice that I'm even gone
-I'm sorry, for the times that I made you scream, for the times that I killed your dreams, for the times that I made your whole world rumble.
-I'm nobody's wife!
-It's too bad, but that's me
-Lately my whole aim is to maintain
-Anyone who ever loved, could look at me, and know that I love you. Anyone who ever dreamt, could look at me, and know I dream of you.
-So, anyone who had a heart would take me in his arms and love me to, you, couldn't really have a heart, and hurt me like you hurt me and be so untrue. What am I to do?
-Live the life so endlessly
-I tried to heal your broken heart with all that I could
-How do I live, without the ones I love?
-I know the drill, you got your ball and chain
-Lately Ì've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own, everybody has their private world, where they can be alone
-Love for sale
-Why don't you love me?
-It's a silent murder, it's a grave that sings your song. It's quite failure, it's the one that makes you strong.
-I am heading down, a long, empty road
-Wish I was too dead to care
-In the brighest hour, of my darkest day, I realise what is wrong with me. Can't get over you, can't get through to you. It's been a helterskelter romance from the start!
-Because days, come and go, but my feelings for you are forever!
That's from about 40 songs already, and I've got about 6000 songs on my laptop, can you imagine the hell I must go through???
Sunday, 12 September 2010
Monday, 6 September 2010
Thursday, 2 September 2010
Best Friend
They say that true friendship lasts forever. That really makes me have my doubts about me and my best friend. I personally feel as if I would do anything for her. That I would go to the end of the world for her but she isn't prepared to do the same thing. Whenever we meet up we always meet up at her house, because she's hungover and can't go out. Because she had a great time the night before and didn't invite me 'cause she needs to spend time with this group of other people. So when I do see her it's in the hours she can't do anything else anyway scared of vomiting of collapsing. So as a good friend I go to hers. It's not nice though when I have to make all the effort.
She never has any money to go out and do fun stuff with me, like go out for a meal or go and see a film. She does have money to go out and spend it on a ridiculous amount of alcohol and even drugs (yes Holland get over it) every single weekend. Besides that she's taking a year off, meaning more partying, seeing me less, spending more money on other stuff and having me around even more when she feels like shit. So that's what I'm good for? So you can complain to someone when you're feeling shitty because your parents don't listen to you anymore?
I've been trying to get over this problem for months and maybe even a year now. When I left for England we were the biggest buddies ever, we though the same about everything. Now I'm back I just don't feel we're getting on like we should. Whenever we see each other she's always talking about herself, every now and then (but only when I've got big news like a break up or a big fight) she lets me speak for 5 or 10 minutes. Other than that I have to put up with crazy stories about how drunk she got this time and what she did with guys or what kind of drug she had taken.
Will be continued...
She never has any money to go out and do fun stuff with me, like go out for a meal or go and see a film. She does have money to go out and spend it on a ridiculous amount of alcohol and even drugs (yes Holland get over it) every single weekend. Besides that she's taking a year off, meaning more partying, seeing me less, spending more money on other stuff and having me around even more when she feels like shit. So that's what I'm good for? So you can complain to someone when you're feeling shitty because your parents don't listen to you anymore?
I've been trying to get over this problem for months and maybe even a year now. When I left for England we were the biggest buddies ever, we though the same about everything. Now I'm back I just don't feel we're getting on like we should. Whenever we see each other she's always talking about herself, every now and then (but only when I've got big news like a break up or a big fight) she lets me speak for 5 or 10 minutes. Other than that I have to put up with crazy stories about how drunk she got this time and what she did with guys or what kind of drug she had taken.
Will be continued...
Pebbles
I've started my Graphic Design course at Uni a couple of days ago. I was in one of my English lessons today (which is easy peasy to me) and we had to make a descriptive piece. We had to think about a certain place and mentally settle ourselves there. I don't know why I'd chosen this setting but this was my little story:
Whilst looking down I cannot only see the tip of my toes and feet resting on pebbles and little rocks, I can also see the water flowing by. I remember the sound of an orchestra playing in the background, though it is just the sound of the flowing water. No real instruments used, just the sound of nature. It can't be avoided to notice an arm being lifted and gently tucking one of the pebbles into the water from which I cannot decide what colour it actually is.
As soon as a pebble touches the surface of the water, the water seems to age by the second. Little wrinkles appear in circles around the sinking pebble, flowing away from its target unil it reaches my feet and it is being pushed back again by the little brown and white coloured pebbles. Leaving changing shadows on the water, blue, dark blue, green maybe? Once dissolved my attention goes to the colour of my feet which blend in perfectly with the colours of the pebbles. The bright nail varnish on the toe nails don't suit this peaceful atmosphere, though this strange contradiction portrays a beautiful image, as if it were to be a picture.
Oh wait, I forgot, it is a picture.
To you this story might not mean anything but it wasn't until I was finished writing when I realised what I had actually written about. When I was little I always went to this place, underneath a tree, with my mother. We'd drove for about half an hour to get there and this place officially became my favourite place. It was so peaceful and quiet. Unfortunately after my mother died I'd never went back there, not because I didn't want to but because I don't know where it is. I can't find that exact tree and it would make it even more special when I would be able to find that one special tree. You might think, well what has a tree got to do with pebbles and water. Basically this tree was about one or two meters away from a big river. The river that sounded like an orchestra to me. Those little pebbles and rocks are actually the pebbles and rocks that I'd used to sit on when I visited that tree, as they were lying underneath it. One day I'll find this tree, one day!
Whilst looking down I cannot only see the tip of my toes and feet resting on pebbles and little rocks, I can also see the water flowing by. I remember the sound of an orchestra playing in the background, though it is just the sound of the flowing water. No real instruments used, just the sound of nature. It can't be avoided to notice an arm being lifted and gently tucking one of the pebbles into the water from which I cannot decide what colour it actually is.
As soon as a pebble touches the surface of the water, the water seems to age by the second. Little wrinkles appear in circles around the sinking pebble, flowing away from its target unil it reaches my feet and it is being pushed back again by the little brown and white coloured pebbles. Leaving changing shadows on the water, blue, dark blue, green maybe? Once dissolved my attention goes to the colour of my feet which blend in perfectly with the colours of the pebbles. The bright nail varnish on the toe nails don't suit this peaceful atmosphere, though this strange contradiction portrays a beautiful image, as if it were to be a picture.
Oh wait, I forgot, it is a picture.
To you this story might not mean anything but it wasn't until I was finished writing when I realised what I had actually written about. When I was little I always went to this place, underneath a tree, with my mother. We'd drove for about half an hour to get there and this place officially became my favourite place. It was so peaceful and quiet. Unfortunately after my mother died I'd never went back there, not because I didn't want to but because I don't know where it is. I can't find that exact tree and it would make it even more special when I would be able to find that one special tree. You might think, well what has a tree got to do with pebbles and water. Basically this tree was about one or two meters away from a big river. The river that sounded like an orchestra to me. Those little pebbles and rocks are actually the pebbles and rocks that I'd used to sit on when I visited that tree, as they were lying underneath it. One day I'll find this tree, one day!
Monday, 30 August 2010
Break Up
Wow. I wanted to write a blog earlier but time just didn't allow me. I have got no words for this at all. I don't know how to describe the feelings I am experiencing. Life is no Nintendo game, nor anything like COD. It burns, it stings. My first thought; It stings like hell. And it does. It's been a week now, or two? I don't even know I've been trying to push it away but that's not the right thing to do. Love the way you lie by Eminem and Rihanna is playing on the background, I'm not even listening to the lyrics but the music describes what I am feeling. I'm feeling hopeless, I don't know what to do. Life is pointless and it's true. The first couple of days have been the most difficult. I went on an introduction week last week for my new Uni, Graphic Design Utrecht, and I started to forget about it. I'm drawing at the moment, it's an assignment for my Uni and all of a sudden it hits me. It is hitting me hard. It's kicking against my brain, my heart. It feels as if my heart has shattered and the pieces are piercing through my lungs and limbs and skin. Trying to poke out. I never expected it to end like this. Never, never did I hope it would end like this. I miss you, I miss you so much, I don't know what to do, I want to change your mind, It's your life, not mine, I can't make your decisions, wish I could, I can't though. My thoughts are forming itself in just a really long random rant.
To make it a bit clearer, this is what happened:
I left my boyfriend for Holland. I've lived in Holland until my 15th. I then moved to England because I used to live with my uncle and aunt and my uncle got a better job there. After a year and a half they moved back to Holland but I decided to finish my school in England because I had only one year left. I did. I'm glad I did. After living with 40 people in a Boarding house at School I met Ben. Benjaming Christopher Stokes. A little bit younger than I am. A lovely guy, boy, guy, boy. Doesn't matter. It's such a stupid thing to say because everyone uses the words, but I wish I could turn back time. That we never started talking. That I never lost a friend over him. Oh Molly, Oh dear. You see, she liked him as well, she liked everyone though. So I figured she wouldn't make a big deal out of Ben and I going out. She did, I lost a friend, a crazy ass wacko friend...Just the kind of people I like. The kind of people I get on with because they are just like me. But she's not like me, she's unique, she's crazy. In a negative way... You see how confused I am? I don't even know whether to like her or not anymore.
Anyway back to my story. I've had eight great months together with Ben. I'm in love with him, and he was in love with me. But I was going back to Holland. We both knew that, oh why didn't we end it straight away, no oh why did we try it at all? We made a hell of a lot of promises; 'we'll always tell each other what we think, no matter what' was one of them, which were the awful words that led to us breaking up. Summer holiday came. I worked for four whole weeks, I worked my arse off so I would have some extra pocket money. Ben was coming over after my own holiday to France and I really needed the money to be able to take him out. After all, he had never been to Holland. So France came and went, I had a great time with another English friend. Ben came and went as well........
The day he arrived we went to Amsterdam, I showed him all the 'funny' corners and I realised how much I had actually missed him. We went to the Zoo the day after, and that's when I found out what was really going on. He was being awfully quiet so when reminding him of our little promise he replied using the words; "I don't know whether I still love you or not". We cried in the Zoo whilst having lunch. We had to survive for another couple of days together so we decided to make the best out of it. I cried myself asleep that night. Since then my heart has cried and cried, I don't think it has ever stopped. Something weird happened though, it wasn't a normal break up (besides the fact he was in Holland I couldn't be with him because it was hurting to much). The next day we had decided to climb a big tower in my city. It took me a bit long to get dressed and do my make-up and I found him hanging on my couch crying his eyes out. When I asked him why he was crying he said: 'Because I still love you'. That's what makes it so hard for me. I love this guy to death, and he says he loves me to. He just doesn't wants to be together with someone who he can't see for a very long time because I'm in Holland and he's in England.
So that was the reason he broke up with me. TRUE LOVES WINS doesn't it? It just posses so many unanswered questions, thing's I can't or don't dare to ask him. Why?
To make it a bit clearer, this is what happened:
I left my boyfriend for Holland. I've lived in Holland until my 15th. I then moved to England because I used to live with my uncle and aunt and my uncle got a better job there. After a year and a half they moved back to Holland but I decided to finish my school in England because I had only one year left. I did. I'm glad I did. After living with 40 people in a Boarding house at School I met Ben. Benjaming Christopher Stokes. A little bit younger than I am. A lovely guy, boy, guy, boy. Doesn't matter. It's such a stupid thing to say because everyone uses the words, but I wish I could turn back time. That we never started talking. That I never lost a friend over him. Oh Molly, Oh dear. You see, she liked him as well, she liked everyone though. So I figured she wouldn't make a big deal out of Ben and I going out. She did, I lost a friend, a crazy ass wacko friend...Just the kind of people I like. The kind of people I get on with because they are just like me. But she's not like me, she's unique, she's crazy. In a negative way... You see how confused I am? I don't even know whether to like her or not anymore.
Anyway back to my story. I've had eight great months together with Ben. I'm in love with him, and he was in love with me. But I was going back to Holland. We both knew that, oh why didn't we end it straight away, no oh why did we try it at all? We made a hell of a lot of promises; 'we'll always tell each other what we think, no matter what' was one of them, which were the awful words that led to us breaking up. Summer holiday came. I worked for four whole weeks, I worked my arse off so I would have some extra pocket money. Ben was coming over after my own holiday to France and I really needed the money to be able to take him out. After all, he had never been to Holland. So France came and went, I had a great time with another English friend. Ben came and went as well........
The day he arrived we went to Amsterdam, I showed him all the 'funny' corners and I realised how much I had actually missed him. We went to the Zoo the day after, and that's when I found out what was really going on. He was being awfully quiet so when reminding him of our little promise he replied using the words; "I don't know whether I still love you or not". We cried in the Zoo whilst having lunch. We had to survive for another couple of days together so we decided to make the best out of it. I cried myself asleep that night. Since then my heart has cried and cried, I don't think it has ever stopped. Something weird happened though, it wasn't a normal break up (besides the fact he was in Holland I couldn't be with him because it was hurting to much). The next day we had decided to climb a big tower in my city. It took me a bit long to get dressed and do my make-up and I found him hanging on my couch crying his eyes out. When I asked him why he was crying he said: 'Because I still love you'. That's what makes it so hard for me. I love this guy to death, and he says he loves me to. He just doesn't wants to be together with someone who he can't see for a very long time because I'm in Holland and he's in England.
So that was the reason he broke up with me. TRUE LOVES WINS doesn't it? It just posses so many unanswered questions, thing's I can't or don't dare to ask him. Why?
Sunday, 22 August 2010
I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did
And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did
And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them
Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof top
Write it on the sky love
All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know
Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love is worst
Empty promises will wear
I know (i know)
And know when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them
Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof top
Write it on the sky love
All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Ooh impossible (yeah yeah)
I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did
Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof top
Write it on the sky love
All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy (i was happy)
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did...
Sunday, 27 June 2010
I like 'em
"HEY, WHO STOLE MY...nevermind i found it."
I trusted you. my mistake.
Hi spider, nice spider, let me pet you ... with my shoe ...good spider
sleeping with one leg in the covers and one leg out to balance the hot /cold...
Akon's poor attempt at describing the girl without being disrespectful
Trying To Tell My Parents A Funny Story ... And It Turns Into A Life Lesson
Fake hair, fake nails, fake tan, fake boobs......Girl, are you sure you weren't made in China?
Don't EVER break a pinky promise. That stuff is LEGIT.
Frozen Computer...maybe if I click EVERYWHERE it will start working again..
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
If girls have period pains, guys should be kicked in the balls once a month
Doing the 'uh oh' dance listening to Crazy in Love by Beyonce
Awkward eye contact with people in cars next to you at red lights
I saw the 'typing' icon for like 5 minutes on chat. you said 'ok'. WTH
i love when you text me first, cus then i know your thinking about me:)
"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not."- Kurt Cobain
There's only so much I can say back to 'Lol'
"Tastes like shit!" "How do you know how shit tastes like?!" O.o
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I'm a female, sorry if when we fight I stay upset b/c you blew up on me then you want to forget about it.
mom can i get this? "no, blah blah blah blah blah." okay i asked a you question not a lecture.
Making weird noises when you stretch.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?
I always peek out of my 3-D glasses, just to see the difference.
saying " shit my phones going to die "( & then continue to use your phone & then get pissed off when it dies )
Finding out something about someone, and never looking at them the same.
I don't really have a type. I just know what I like when I see it.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."
Computer $900. Internet subscription $20. Facebook $0. Keeping you busy with this stupid message: PRICELESS.
Guessing the time correctly without looking and feeling like god.
You are epic and beautiful
that feeling you get when you have an insanely good comeback.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
when your mom starts a lecture ..you hear the first 2 words then u start daydreaming all you start hearing blah blah blah
Not wanting to go to bed at night time... Not wanting to get out in the morning (:
Hey Cupid can you shoot both of us next time? Thanks.
F A C E B O O K is the only place where it's acceptable to talk to a wall.
To me, you're perfect.
Making sex noises while eating something REALLY good.
Monday, 14 June 2010
Monday, 31 May 2010
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Everything and Nothing
It has been a while since I last posted something, so I thought this would be a great time to post something new. The last couple of months and weeks have been very exciting and hectic. Some of the memories are happy, some are sad. Yet I don't regret anything that I have done. The most recent event was Leavers Ball. So let's talk about that.
21st of May 2010. Reed's School Leaversball.
It is quite weird to realise that I have been spending almost three years at this English school. My overall view of it is that it has been crap, mainly because I don't like the Enlgish mentality. No one can be honest with each other. Yet I decided myself that I wanted to finish sixth form in England after my uncle and aunt moved back to Holland during the summer of 2009. In a way I find it really sad that I am on studyleave right now, which represents the end of school and the start of exams. This opens a new chapter for me, meaning that I will go back to Holland soon. Leaving my self-development, progress, new friends and boyfriend (!) behind.
The day started off with leaver chapel, in which the headmaster held a very emotional and extraordinary good speech. The girls had decided to dress up as sexy sintrinians after chapel. So as decided we dropped our nice office wear onto the ground and stepped into our sexy heels, short skirts and sexy blouses.
21st of May 2010. Reed's School Leaversball.
It is quite weird to realise that I have been spending almost three years at this English school. My overall view of it is that it has been crap, mainly because I don't like the Enlgish mentality. No one can be honest with each other. Yet I decided myself that I wanted to finish sixth form in England after my uncle and aunt moved back to Holland during the summer of 2009. In a way I find it really sad that I am on studyleave right now, which represents the end of school and the start of exams. This opens a new chapter for me, meaning that I will go back to Holland soon. Leaving my self-development, progress, new friends and boyfriend (!) behind.
The day started off with leaver chapel, in which the headmaster held a very emotional and extraordinary good speech. The girls had decided to dress up as sexy sintrinians after chapel. So as decided we dropped our nice office wear onto the ground and stepped into our sexy heels, short skirts and sexy blouses.
Bethany Leslie, Helen Major, Lizzy Harris, Hannah Stout and me.
Helen Major, Lizzy Harris, Rik Bogers and Me.
We all pulled it off very well. Every single one of us looked amazing, sexy and adorable at the same time. Out of the hundred photos that were taken I guess these ones were the best ones. After that a group photo of my tutor group was taken. I never really liked my tutor group, I made some great friends, but also enemies. Even though we acted as if nothing was going on we all knew we didn't get along very well. Our tutor on the other hand always came up with the weirdest and funniest stories that made every single on of us laugh. So this was the first, and it will definitely be the last photograph taken of our tutor group.
Alex Wilton, Jack Leary, Nick Hayes, Tristan Lloyd, Paul Millington, Ben Alexander, Josie Inverdale, Hannah Stout and me.
So after having experienced the total opposite of what Reed's stands for; a formal environment, we had the leavers lunch. The food was amazing. Nothing else needs to be said about that. We then one by one went off to get ready for the big party. Hannah, Lizzy and me went to Guildford to get a necklace for Hannah that she could wear that evening. Getting ready at Hannah's house was lovely as well. Everyone looked unbelievably nice. And photographs were taken before we left the property.
The evening itself was different from what I expected it to be. I should get into detail about it because it will be an amazing memory for when I am older, but I don't want to. Particular things happened that really ruined the evening, leading to me not wanting to think about it for a very long time.
This is just a small collection of the many photographs taken that evening/day. I have hated Reed's so much and I have always expressed myself in a really rude way. However when it comes to it I can understand that my time here was very nice as well.
Things/people I (will) miss about England/Reed's (in no particular order).
1: Talking to my #1 boarding mate, Lizzy Harris, who sleeps in the room next to me. She was the person where I could hide myself, open myself, express myself, or in other words; be myself.
2: All the fighting with James Miller. The person who annoyed me most, yet could make me laugh at times when I most needed it. He's my Graphic Design buddy and my shouting/singing angel.
3: The getting together above the swimming pool after lunch with everyone.
4: All the gatherings during the weekend with my friends.
(will be continued)
And as I am uploading all the pictures, for some reason I feel really sad, not because I have to miss these people, but because I know they will have forgotten about me within two years. We will stay in touch for the first couple of weeks, even months maybe, but the majority of my friends will not bother about contacting me. Oh well, that's how life goes.
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