Meaning of what?

I guess many people are having problems with the question I am about to pose and I am sure that many people don't even understand the sincerity of it. But what in god's name is the purpose of life?

Why are we humans on this little life bulb called Earth. I had a very deep conversation with one of my roommates the other day and she believes that every single human being is alive and on this planet for a reason. That reason can be big or small, but it will always be big for the person in question. After looking at her like a dumb donkey I dared her to tell me what my life purpose is, because I hadn't/haven't found out yet myself. She honestly thinks that the purpose of my life is to help other people, which to a certain extent is true. As long as I like these people I am more than happy to help them with their issues, I'll even catch a bullet for them. Why? Simple....Because I don't give a fuck about myself.

I will never ever bend down to pick up what another person has dropped if I don't like them. I don't even think they deserve a nice facial expression from me when they are around. You see how horrible I am? The reason I am doing this is because individuals, or just people in general depends on how you look at it, have fucked me over so much that I don't think it's worth any effort to make new friends or be kind. Yes I am a bad person so that proves the point that I want to help people to a certain degree.

Back to the main question however. In a nutshell; we are pooped out by our mothers, learn how to walk and talk. Go to kindergarden, primary school, secondary school, high school, get a degree, job, wife/husband kids, a dog and live life happily ever after and then die. Of course most individuals experience it in a slightly different way (think of divorced parents, death of spouse etc) but this is just my simple train of though. So really. What's the use of life?

My theory is that when you kill two thirds of the entire humanity the world and it's content will be better off. Why? Because that'll mean there's less polution of any kind, etc. I am more than happy to be the first to be shot in the head for this project because I believe this is the only way we'll be able to save planet Earth from ourselves.

You know what, commiting suicide seems so simple and easy nowadays. Even when I am watching a film and something happens to one of the maincharacters that is emotionally tearing me apart I automatically think 'well kill yourself it'll save you all the bullshit and crap'. Most people might not understand this because they haven't been through the same stuff as I did. Others do understand it but I don't want to know about it.

To be honest there is really no good answer to this question. If you don't want to live I'll say commit suicide, if you do enjoy life then don't. I myself try to live every single day to the full, it's the little things that keep me going even though I'm probably as suicidal as I can be. I wouldn't give a shit being hit by a truck and dying instantly, I wouldn't give a shit being hit and having to suffer before dying. That's life. Of course there are people in my life that I care about and I know they'll be more than upset to find out I'm dead. However, the only people I really care about are very old anyway and I think they won't make it another five or ten years or so. People don't really need me help, when I'm gone they'll be able to let their emotions loose on someone else. When I'm gone they'll grieve about me for a couple of months, finis. nada. punt. klaar. That's it.

Then why am I still alive? Because I don't have the balls? Because I am too weak to actually throw myself off a building or a bridge or jump in front of a train? I don't know, I've never tried it so I can't say. It is more that I keep going because of curiosity. I believe that there is actually something out there worth living for, I thought I had found that something a couple of months ago but that just turned out to be a big no go. I still cry myself to sleep many nights because of it. I will keep going until I have found out for sure whether there is something to live for. It may be an object, a person, or whatever. I'm too curious to give up now. And if there isn't anything out there...well...

I'll have to think of a damn creative and original way to rob myself from my own life as I hate copycats.