No one wants a broken heart

I was writing my best male friend an e-mail the other day and when I was reading it again it kind of shocked me. He told me that the reason I have boyfriends is because I need someone. Doesn't matter who it is. Unfortunately that is true to a certain degree, but something has happened over the past couple of months that has changed that. I'll save you a long story and just put the main bit in and explain it afterwards.



"I just want to get one thing straight. When I got to know Ben I thought I wasn't over Harry yet. As you know the relationship between Harry and me was just one big lie. I wasn't planning on getting a new boyfriend because I had already in mind to find a new cute man in Holland. I had only 6 months to go and that is a very short period. I was already glad that I didnt have to break up with Harry 'just because I happened to be Dutch and I happened to move back to Holland'. But Ben just crossed my path. As I said, I didn't expect him to step in to my life and most of all, I didn't expect that I would fall in love with him. I'm sorry to say this as it must be very hard for you to swollow. But I love that guy to the bone. For whom he is and for what he has done to me. He has showed me that after all that pain men have brought me there is actually one guy out there who hasn't got the intention to hurt me. At the same time that is the biggest reason I hate him. I hate it when he doesn't email me back straight away but a month later after I've put effort in writing an e-mail. I hate knowing that he's having fun with loads of new girls around him as he's in sixth form now. I hate how I dream about him almost every night in which I still tbelieve we're together and I hate waking up after knowing it was just a dream. I hate thinking about him, I hate talking about him. I hate that I hate him and I hate that he's got me under his skin. Because it hurts. It hurts so much James. Contradicting isn't it? And its that you can't see it but saying this makes me cry. I've never spilled so many tears over a guy. So many real tears. he makes me vulnerable and you are the person to know that no one is allowed to see that. "

I'll start at the beginning. At the end of 2009 my boyfriend back then, called Harry, broke up with me. At that time I was devastated but it only took me five weeks to realise that I had never liked him. That I went out with him because I needed the cuddles, kisses and hugs. He wasn't the first with whom I realised that was actually why I went out with them. This was because we had absolutely nothing in common. I'm extravert, very open and honest. He made me quiet and shy. Someone/thing I'm not but above all; we never talked. I don't think that in those ten months we went out we ever had a proper conversation about something serious. About what he wanted to do when he was older, or what I wanted to become when I was old enough to get a job and kids. What interested him or the other way around. I don't even know his favourite colour or food. I still don't even though we were 'friends' at first. You see we were stuck together at school in this group with about twenty people. I don't think that the majority could even get along so I'd already known Harry for over a year when we started dating and going out.

Anyway back to that e-mail. We'd broken up and the christmas holiday had started. I finally felt fine after five long and lonely weeks trying to get over the fact he had dumped me (and not the other way around). I even think that was the hardest bit for me to deal with, the fact that I got dumped. During the Christmas holiday I got in touch with this little brother of another 'friend' of mine. This was over facebook and he randomly started commenting on one of my photographs. After heavy and fun discussions on facebook we exchanged e-mail addresses and started chatting on msn (how cheecky). I found out that this little brother of my friend was actually more mature than my friend himself. Definitely more handsome I have to say. You know what it's like. You start to chatt and you start to fancy him. O.K. I didn't actually know the guy because I never had a conversation with him in real life, but nonetheless this made it more interesting and adventerous. From then on it all went so fast, before we knew it we were a couple. However no one knew, at least not the unimportant people, because he is a little bit younger than me and we thought it would've been the best for ourselves if not that many people knew about it.

God what an amazing time we had in England. It hurts thinking about the many fun things we've done, about all the times I got in hysterics because of him. It hurts thinking about his handsome face and the little things he used to do. I miss his clumsiness and I love the fact he's stubborn as hell. I also love the fact he sticks his tongue out to one side when he's concentrating on something and I also love the fact he can give such cheecky smiles without knowing it and that he used to turn red when I pointed out he was giving me that sexy, sexy smile. I miss his childish handwriting and I miss the way he smells. Even after having broken up for two months and two weeks already.

I wasn't even planning on meeting this guy. I knew I was going back to holland within six months and I was mentally preparing myself for that. There's a reason why I say; "I'm sorry to say this and it must be very hard for you to swollow" to my friend in the e-mail. This is because the night before I left England I threw a "Goodbye" party for my friends. My best friend got a bit pissed and as we both slept in the boarding house he turned up to my door at night. It took him so much effort to tell me the stuff he had told me that night but he admitted that he had been head over heels with me probably since he had known me, which is more than two years. Even after I've been the biggest bitch to him. Excuse me for my use of language but there is no better word to desribe it. I've done and said the most horrible things to my best friend because I was trying to keep him on a distance. Because I'm scared of losing people, good friends, as I've been through it all before. I hate myself for spending more time with my ex boyfriend than with my friends but that is the way things happened back then.

I'm such a chaos when you think about it. I make people hate me so I don't have to bond with them. James found out the hard way and still stayed loyal to me. Ben turned out to be a dissapointment in every single way. Guys when you ever consider it; long distance relationship just don't work. I'm the result and the prove of it. No one wants a broken heart