'Hey, let me be your soulmate'

I noticed that my blogs have become more and more emotional recently. When I started writing my blogs they were mainly about life and how to approach it positively. My last few blogs however have been more about how I've experienced it in a negative way. I am definitely getting a different pill tomorrow as the one I'm on now is giving me moodswings and it makes me more hostile. I am mean and bitchy towards my friends, one of my friends hardly dares to speak to me fearing my reaction because I am so unpredictable. I can be nice but I can definitely be very very mean and agressive as well. Unfortunately you will never know what to expect to get as an answer when you open your mouth.

I hate that I am the person who I am today. I hate what has happened to me in the past which made me who I am. Because I am not acting like the person I actually am. Very confusing isn't it. I have always been a very bubbly girl, up for meeting new people and new big adventures. I have always been the first in line to go and play with my friends and try out a new game but nowadays it feels like my skin doesn't fit the person in it anymore. I don't want others to know that I'm vulnerable and I definitely don't want them to see or notice. I am putting up this wall of aggresiveness compaired with the bubbly old self to make up for the bad part. This is because I don't feel like anything is worth living for. I just lost my dearest possesion and damn it went oh so quick that I can hardly remember enjoying him around me. What is there to live for if you are unhappy anyway and aren't able to become happy with that one particular thing. They say you don't know what you've lost untill it is gone but I enjoyed every single moment being together with this person because I already knew we had to leave each other within a short period of time. Friends come and go, some of them will wait around to be there when you most need them whereas others just come and go for the fun. This person I am talking about wasn't a friend... he was my soulmate.

Because I know I am so vulnerable, because I know that I need someone in my life to replace this individual I am being a horrible person. I don't want anyone to get the chance to step into my life and say 'hey, let me be your soulmate, I'll change everything and make you feel better'...because I am scared to loose this person as well...and it is true. God takes away everything you need most. Why? To make you a stronger person, to teach you lifelessons and to show you that you can take the world on your own. I don't even believe in God. God is a lie and if he does exist he's an asshole.

I have lost my mother at a young age and if I could say one thing to her it would be an apology. I would apologise to her for not sitting next to her holding her hand when she was in her bed being sick and ill just a few days before she died. I would apologise to ignore the fact someone told me that you needed my sister and I. That even though you were a sleep it would've meant the world to you knowing that my sister or I was sitting next to you. Showing that we loved you. I avoided going into your room. You were lying in your bed, you couldn't even heat yourself up with your own bodytemperature because you hardly had a temperature. How in Earth could I have sat next to you, watching you slowly die. I didn't want you to leave us so I avoided the impossible. Seeing you leave this world slowly. I wish I would've snuggled up in your bed so I could have given you my warmth. So that at least you would've known that I really cared about you. You were so busy correcting my sister that you hardly ever had time left for me. I could've joined you through that difficult period showing you that I didn't care you'd neglected me a bit. Especially because I feel like I have neglected you all the way through your illness...

I wish I could've seen more of you, that you could've been there during my worst struggles. That you would be here now to hug me now I'm going through another difficult time. I miss this boy so much it hurts, it stings, it just makes me wanna break myself up so I don't have to feel anymore. I have lost an important person before, have I just lost another one? Or will I be able to say in time that I was being silly and I can be happy with someone else around me.

Sometimes I wish you could just write me a letter, telling me what to do. Telling me how to live on with my life because at the moment I would not know how to live on, only how to end it...