Smoking

After I went to bed yesterday I had almost forced myself up again because I thought of something very important concercing a bad habit of mine. Yet I couldn't because I was already dozing off and too tired.

When I got back from Uni I got bored so I watched three episodes from Style by Jury. One of the episodes was about a woman who smoked excessively. Her teeth and gum were damaged so badly that she didn't dare to smile and believe me it looked as if a bomb had gone off in her mouth. Both her father, mother and brother had died of cancer due to smoking but she still smoked. The host posed her a question; why does an intelligent person smoke? They all know the consequences of smoking, they know what it does physically and mentally so why would you do it? Especially when you know your loved ones have died because of it?!

I realised that this is true. I used to smoke, this turned into quitting, this then turned into smoking at a party or when I had fun with friends. But I have fun with friends in the weekend just as much as during the week so I started smoking every single day. Sometimes just one cigarette whereas other times I could finish a pack a day on my own. I have finished my A-Levels in England (equivalent to VWO in Holland) meaning that I am definitely not a stupid or dumb person. I'm considered to be of, at least, average intelligence and yet I do light up a cigeratte more than often.

What I suddenly realised and had striken me badly yesterday is the fact that my own mother has died because of breastcancer and the reason her body couldn't fight against it was because she was a smoker. If she didn't smoke she would've had a better chance of surviving but she didn't. This is a god damn good reason for myself NOT to smoke, not often, not now and then, just NEVER. Yet still I do/did. My mother was a good, loving person and everything she did was good for others and there's something in me that wants to be as much like my mother as can be. I changed my surname to hers, which already proves a lot. This gives me the reason to smoke, becaus she did it I can do it as well.

I am sure that when my mother would be able to see me she would be more than happy, proud and fierce to see how well I am doing at Uni, in life, with my family and friends etc. However when I think about it, one thing is for sure; my mother definitely would have tears in her eyes every single time I would light up a cigarette. She would probably hate herself for being the bad person influencing her own children by lighting them up herself in front of me when I was little. She wouldn't want me to do the bad things she did. Now that...is a good enough reason to quit.