68.8

A week has gone by since I was so proud to be 69. The weekend was different and difficult for me. I got on the weighing scale Saterday morning and I was 68.3, but there were loads of festivals the same day to celebrate our freedom. Meaning there were going to be a lot of bands, a lot of opportunities to have a drink (beer mostly) and have lots of bad food. I ate so much that day, I felt ill that evening. I was at my boyfriends house on Sunday and the same problem occured. I ate so unbelievably much that I felt ill again that evening. Somehow I just don't seem to be able to keep myself to my strict diet during the weekends. Because there simply isn't any structure I can keep myself to as I do other things than during the week. So this morning when I got on the weighing scale I was happy I weighed 68.8. Yes I gained weight, but not as much as I expected myself to gain.

Yesterday I cycled to my parents house (8.4 km, takes me about 30 minutes to get there from where I have my work experience) to have diner at their place. I was planning on cycling back to my house after diner (11.8 km) but someone came with the idea to go to the cinema to go and see the Avengers. Absolutly great movie by the way. I laughed so hard. The Hulk is so funny. Anyway, we put my back in the back of the car and after the movie they dropped me off at home. So I didn't get to cycle back which was quite disapointing as I actually looked forward to it. I am also looking forward to going to the gym tonight! It is some kind of therapy for me. I'm not feeling very comfortable at home. So putting my mind on other things is good. Some people I live with are just very frustrating. One of my housemates was supposed to clean the bathroom last week, which she didn't. The housemate who was supposed to clean it the week before her had left that week meaning that the bathroom hasn't been cleaned for more than two weeks now. Disgusting! It smells, there are hairs everywhere. Normally I give it an extra cleaning sessions. But nowadays I just refuse to do it as my housemates seem to be incapable of keeping the house clean. I am not their housemaid and as long as they don't pay me a fair amount of money I'm not going to clean up after them. Disgusting rats.

It is one girl in particular. I have been living with her for a year and a half now, I never used to have problems with her tidying because she always did her tasks. She went to have a shower with her flipflops on, because she was scared to get infections or something. Whenever she goes to the toilet she puts toiletpaper on the seat first before she sits down. The house isn't actually that dirty because I keep it clean together with one or two other girls. But she went to Australia for a couple of months and after she got back she turned into an absolute pig. Leaving her stuff behind, leaving food cans and lits open, not doing her weekly task, leaving her 'boyfriend' to vomit all over the toilet seat and not cleaning it up so someone else has to do it. Eww she disgusts me so much it makes me angry. I've talked to her about it so many times, she just gets angry, I get angry because she's an idiot and doesn't understand why the house needs to be hygenic, and BOOM, we're in a fight.

Week?

It has been a while since I last wrote something. I have been having moodswings and a difficult time leaving bad food aside. On the other hand, I have been doing quite well from last tuesday onwards. It is friday today, okay that's not even a week but it motivated me to post something.

It was Queensday last weekend, so I had a couple of beers, had loads of sweets and cookies. When I got on the weighing scale tuesday morning I was 71 kg again. I was so ashamed. Especially because I got so far a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure what the exact weight was but I think I weighed 68 or something. Now I was 71 again, more or less where I started! There were two reasons (I see them as bad excuses) for that: holidays and not being able to exercise due to not having enough time. I should be disciplining myself more, like walking to work experience again. I stopped doing that about two weeks ago. I fixed my bike and I think you will agree with me when I say that it is so tempting to stay in bed for 30 minutes longer when you can take a bike instead. Every night I go to bed telling myself you will and you are getting up at 07.45. But once my alarm clock goes off I keep on snoozing it 'till it's 08.15 and it's too late for me to go on foot.

I am forcing myself to go to the gym at least 2-3 times a week and I have been able to keep that promis to myself. I'm not able to go to the gym during the weekends so I have got 5 days left during weekdays. In which I see my friends on one day and the other I either need to babysit, I see my parents or I have got other compulsary things to do. I try to do things by bike as much as possible. Sometimes that means I am cycling 20 km in just one evening. For example when I am going to see my parents. I do eat healthy (except for the cravings every now and then when I finish a whole pack of cookies in half an hour). I eat two pieces of fruit every day. I eat enough vegetables. I pick out the healthier things, such as light or soya yoghurt instead of normal yoghurt. I don't drink any soda, when I do I drink tomatojuice, which is good for you. Things like that.

Anyway, I got on the weighing scale this morning. 69 kg. WIN!! I have started taking pictures of myself. So that I can make a short movie out of them. Showing others what I achieved once I get to the 65 kg. Or 62. Or 60, whatever my goal is going to be in the end. Secretively I would like to weigh 63 again. Yet anything under 65 is fine as well. We'll see. Also I have noticed that the 'before and after' pictures are very motivating for me. Just seeing what others have achieved. If they can do it why shouldn't it be working for me?! Right?!

Week 7: Pfoeeee

It is tuesday today, and frankly I didn’t get myself onto the weighing scale this morning. Not because I was scared to face the truth but because I actually forgot about it. I don’t think there is a point in getting on there. It was Easter last weekend and I have eaten way too much. It started last thursday, I went out with my friends and I drunk so much alcohol. I felt ill at the end of the evening so you can guess the amount of intake was loads. The day after I went to my boyfriends house, where they stuffed me (as usual) with nice food.

I took it easy on saterday (during the day) but we had Tapas in the evening, which are small bits of food. It didn’t all fit on the table, can you imagined what it looked like? Then on sunday, oh dear... sunday. We had an Easter brunch at my house and I took my boyfriend with me. We had soup, eggs, Easter bread, normal bread. Oh my lord, just like the night before the table was overloaded with nice and lovely food. I don’t know what it is like in other countries but in Holland you have an Easter brunch, eat as if you are having supper and then eat nothing, or almost nothing, for the rest of the day. The thing was that my boyfriend and I went straight on to his grandparents. Where we went to a Japanese restaurant and had a complete dinner. Not three dishes, but 5. More or less ridiculous.

I am not ashamed for eating so much, because Easter is an official ‘holiday’ and I want to be able to enjoy such things. I am ashamed of the fact that I haven’t counted any calories at all the last couple of weeks because I was sure I would be able to lose weight without keeping an eye on what I was eating. But also, I am ashamed of the fact that I don’t even know which week I am in now. 5? 6? 7? I had no idea that I was already in week 7. 2 months have gone by and I haven’t lost...well...shit... So no Nutella for me today, no sweets and no crisps, or other stuff that I shouldn’t be eating. This is going to be an healthy week for me. I want to feel healthy again!

On an other note. I have booked my flight to England last weekend. I was videochatting with on of my friends overthere and I have had plans to go to the UK for a very long time now. It has been over a year since I last seen my friends overthere. It was time for me to book my flights. SO I DID. In May I’m going to Brussels. In June/July to England and at the end of July to Rome. I am soooo happy about it. I have worked my butt off to be able to pay for this.

Week 5

There's no week four as I was on an holiday, so I'll go straight to week five.

Arrrghh! I have gained weight. This morning 70.3 kg. I forgot to weigh myself yesterday but I don't think it was anything better. Last week was a lot of fun, I ate a lot simply because I was on a holiday but I'm finding it difficult to go back to 'dietmode' again now that I am back.

I'm keeping this post short, just don't feel like typing or writing.

Bad, Bad, Bad yet I'm happy

Bad:

I stopped counting calories. I know exactly what I can eat and what I shouldn't be touching. As long as I keep going like this it should be fine. At the moment my intake is inbetween the 1500-2000 calories. Just what I need. I'm feeling happy and healthy and I don't want to restrict myself to anything. I just need to eat healthy and keep that going instead of not eating enough. I will loose weight eventually if I keep on walking to work experience, exercising every now and stay away from bad snacks. It'll go slow but I won't restrict myself to a so called 'crash' diet.

Happy:

I know I shouldn't have done this but I got on the weighing scale this morning. I gained some weight. Of course it is all muscle seeing as I don't snack anymore (besides last weekend ha!). It was disapointing but I got to loose weight in little steps. Also when I started I measured my waist; 88 cm. The waist of a healthy woman needs to be under 80 cm. I measured myself again this morning; 79 cm! So even though I have gained weight, my body is getting into shape.

Happy:

Another thing I am proud of is that I have done a good deed today, which has got nothing to do with me loosing weight at all. When I walk to work experience I pass this guy every single morning playing the accordion. He plays it very well and frankly, he lightens up my day. So when I went to my grandparents place yesterday, I left with money (as old people do, when you visit you'll leave feeling full and fat because of the food and your pockets are filled with money as well). I decided that I would give a tenner to this guy. I wrote a little note as well, thanking him for what he is doing. I put everyting in an envelope and I'd put it in his bag when I walked by this morning. Seeing as I'm going on a holiday tomorrow for over a week I won't be walking past him for a while. I wonder how he will react the first time he sees me again.

Bad:

So that brings me to the next subject, I won't be able to weigh myself until I get back from my holiday. We're going skiing with the family so as long as I'm not eating to much I should be loosing weight. We'll see what happens. I'm afraid it will be a little bit of a weird holiday. My uncle (equivalent to my father) has been fired last week. Even though he just got his job. It's not that he is not doing his job well. You see, the company asked him to become a part of the family to improve the structure in the company. It was very promising and they literally begged him to become a part. He quit his other job, which he had a good contract for and started about 6-7 maybe 8 months ago at Microsoft in the Netherlands. Besides the fact that it was really hard for him to step in properly, because there are so many things that needed improvement, he had been placed into a more ICT branch of the company; which he had no experience with. They didn't improve other things within the company, which in turn started clashing with what my uncle was been hired for. So last week he was been told that they didn't need him afterall because they weren't going to improve the other aspects of the company. Or in other words you can pack your stuff and leave. Fucking bastards. That just makes me angry, but then again that's the real world. We live in uncertainty now. We don't know how long my uncle will be paid for, or how soon he'll be able to get another job. Plus he hired a lawyer to help him with this case. Expensive shit really. Unfortunately, that's going to have a certain impact on our family holiday of course.

Pffffff.....

Week 3: Fighting Discipline!

Start: 6th of March: Tuesday morning: 69,1 kg.

I have had such a rough weekend. I have been eating like an absolute pig. I should be ashamed of myself, but I'm not. For some reason I don't feel that bad for eating all the bad things I did (chocolate easter eggs, not one but 10 or so. I finished a whole pack (210 gr) of M&M's with 36 gr containing 179 calories, I had chocolate sprinkles on my bread, and I didn't eat one slice, no I ate at least 4-5, and the list just continues). I probably don't feel that bad because I know I am starting today where I finished last week; eating healthy again. This is the first time I have a 'breakdown' and I'm able to get myself up again whereas previously I would've given up after I caved in. Now I haven't. Okay what I did was wrong, very wrong but I will continue and I'm O.K. with the fact I won't always be able to stay strong. Staying strong to me means having ups and downs but knowing how to get myself up after a down again and don't give in/up entirely.

The only thing I am ashamed about is that it'll probably take me an extra week to get to my new goal. Plus the fact that I haven't been able to stay under the 1500 calories AT ALL. I find it so hard to stay disciplined. Also the rewards I linked with my goals so far don't mean that much anymore. They are all about food and I let myself have a snack once I've reached my goal. But seeing as I also have a snack when I cave in isn't really rewarding anymore. I think I should change my goals to more material things; buying clothes for example is better.

Tuesday: 1650 Calories - 300 Cal walking
Wednesday: 1685 Calories - 300 Cal walking - 400 cal jogging
Thursday: 2000 Calories - 300 Cal Walking
Friday: 1940 - 300 cal walking
Saterday: 10000000 Calories (didn't count)
Sunday: 1000000 Calories (didn't count)
Monday: 1830 Calories -250 walking - 350 Gym

More or less a disapointment when I got on the scale. I didn't gain anything nor did I loose it. Still 69.1 kg. I need to discipline myself! I CAN DO THIS!

Goddamnit I'm hungry

Oh this is so unbelievably difficult! I have been counting calories every day and I have set up some goals for each week. I think I'm going to change my goal for this week which initially was 1200 (actually way too less and not even healthy anymore) but frankly I haven't been able to stay under the 1200 calories. In fact I've gone over the 1500 the last two days. So 1500 it will be today, tomorrow and the rest of week 3. Besides that I had my breakfast this morning while I was in a bit of a hurry. I just got to work experience and I am already so hungry it's ridiculous. I haven't had this before. Most of the time I get hungry around 11ish. That's when I have a little snack. So instead I'm drinking a sh*tload of tea at the moment.

I will be going to the gym tonight and even though I couldv'e gone last night I didn't. I had a nice evening in all by myself. Lately I haven't been able to spend time just by myself. So I turned on the music, started singing, dancing, I had put on a movie, etc. So nice and relaxing.

I guess that if I walk every day and go to the gym at least once, preferably twice-three times a week I'll still be doing great exercise-wise. I'm not going crazy about it and in combination with eating healthy and a little less I'll still be loosing weight. I do realise that the lighter I get the longer it'll take before another kg has left this body. The fact I already lost 2.5 in such a short time is just lucky. I just need to make sure I loose body fat and no muscles. I just wonder when the first time we'll be that someone notices that I actually lost some weight.

Inspirational

Goals

I have set up some goals for myself as a kind of motivation to keep on losing weight.

I haven't bought any clothes recently because I thought it wasn't worth the money, and frankly because I didn't want to give in to the fact I needed new clothes because my old clothes didn't fit me anymore. Even though I FRICKING LOVE clothes. It is good for my wallet, saving me up to E75,- a month but about a month or two ago I said to myself that I wasn't allowed to by myself anything until I reached the 65 kg again. Meaning that I can save up E75,- each month. That also means I still have 4 kg to go. 4 kg is a lot, and that's why I want to set myself some goals to go for the 65 and even less.

69: Allow myself some pancakes

68: Go out with friends and have a hot chocolate with whipped cream and alcohol.

67: Have a caramel filled waffle straight of the market, the ones I like!

66:

65: BUY ALL THE CLOTHES!!!!! (have a Me, Myself and I day; go shopping by myself, do my own nails, do my hair nicely, etc).

64:

63:

62: Go out for diner (to be more specific; this particular Greek restaurant).

This is the way to keep the fun of it still alive. It doesn't matter that when I have a hot chocolate it will take me longer to reach my next goal. Because it is important to LIVE, by doing fun things and things I like and enjoy. Also this will make it easier for me to reach my next goal mentally: because my goals are fun!

I couldn't think of that many goals yet. But I'll update and re-post them once I thought of something new!

Smile

This picture makes me smile everytime I see it.

It actually makes me feel happy, because HE makes me happy!

Tip of the day: fluids please!

Just found something interesting on the internet, which I more or less already knew about but I never really thought of properly.

They say you should drink more than often, because your body needs the fluids. But it also helps when you want to eat less without being hungry. This is because you body is confused about whether it is being thirsty or being hungry (!!!!). So in other words: you think you are hungry but in fact your body asks for water.

So the tip is: Grab a glass of water first! When you are still hungry after half an hour you can consider grabbing a healthy snack.

Before I started losing weight I hardly ever drank anything. When I did I had a glass of water so it wasn't that difficult for me to leave the coke or pepsi or sprite aside. I just hardly drank. Instead I went for a twix or marsbar. I've been watching my weight for almost two weeks now and I drink a lot of tea. With a lot I mean 5-6-7 cups of tea a day and water during lunch and diner. I feel so much fuller now I do that. It's amazing! Yet so obvious and stupid I'd never thought of it before.

Week 2: Fighting cravings

Start: 28nd of Februari: Tuesday morning: 70.4 kg.

Okay, my target for this week was <1500 calories. Yet I have sinned on wednesday and saterday. It was my mothers birthday on wednesday; 29th of February. A special day it is since it only can be celebrated once every four years. I had a cake and a nice birthday diner at my Uncle and Aunts house to celebrate: reason enough for me to eat a bit more isn't it? Last saterday one of my friends was giving a birthday party as well. I left the cake on the side but I did have a proper meal in the evening. I don't want to miss out on the fun things just because I am on a diet. We went out that night, to go clubbing. I didn't drink any alcohol just water, to compensate the 'birthday-diet' idea.

I have to say that it was really difficult for me mentally not to grab any snacks. I had some friends coming over on friday night and I had to buy them some sweets. Having to stand in front of all those sweets and crisps was hell for me. But I was determined not to eat them myself, WHICH, I didn't. I also noticed that I'm on my weakest when I have got cravings. Most of the time just before diner, when I'm either preparing my diner or half an hour in advance. I especially bought a bag of carrots to eat. It does help! They are low in calories, eating them is satisfying; I can actually crunch them. Plus I eat less during diner. This is good because I tend to eat a lot during diner because I am hungry. And it means that I have food left for another day. Or in other words: So much win

Tuesday: 1470 Cal - 300 cal (walking)
Wednesday: 1980 Cal -200 cal (walking)
Thursday: 1345 Cal -200 cal (walking)
Friday: 1275 Cal -200 cal (walking)
Saterday: 1825 Cal -300 cal (gym)
Sunday: 1600 cal -300 cal (household)
Monday: 1500 cal -500 cal (gym)

I was so unbelievably scared to get on the scale this morning. What if I hardly lost anything? I would be so disapointed if I would get on the scale to see that all the hard work didn't pay off. But it DID! I lost 1.3 kg, meaning that I weigh 69.1 kg at the moment.

Besides that I am happy about another thing, I went to the gym last night and went for a 20 minute run. I haven't been able to do so for such a long time. I used to play hockey and I was able to play a hockey game (an hour) on full speed. When I first started running again I couldn't even do 5 minutes of running. I'm so proud of myself!

So when it comes to the point that I hardly loose any weight I'll just remind myself of the fact I am getting fitter and healthier, which is my main reason I want to loose weight. It's not about the kg's, it's about my health!

My new target for this week is 1200 cal a day. It'll be more than difficult, seeing as I've got a special thing going on tonight and we'll be eating pancakes. Besides that I'm seeing my boyfriend during the weekend. I'm going to his house because I haven't been there for weeks now and his mum always prepares the most delicious food ever (plus one meal prepared by her contains about a 1000 calories I guess). I feel bad just to thank her for it and not eating it. She's a wonderful lady, very kind and understanding, but when it comes to loosing weight she's not the kind of person that understands and respects someone for trying. She'll probably think I'm crazy and will stuff the food up my mouth. *Sigh*. We'll see how it goes.

Aristoteles

I just found something interesting on the internet. It is in Dutch but I'll try and translate it. It’s an interesting idea/thought/truth about emotional eaters: people who eat because of controlling emotions.

Throughout the years we have learned to associate feelings with food. Aristoteles described this phenomenon before.

When two cases occur several times at the same moment we will be reminded of one thing due to the other even though it is not in the picture. Example: when you are celebrating something you’ll eat cake, during our birthdays we’ll be allowed sweets and crisps and when we’ve done something good we’ll be rewarded with candy. Our brain makes a connection between the feeling food gives us and that happy event that is going on at the same time. We have connected our eating habits to this sign that is given to our body, which has actually got nothing to do with food. So when we eat this association will come back to live; we feel good, just like we did when we had that cake on our birthday. But once you’ve finished the food, that awful emotion will get back to you. The real problem hasn’t been fixed.

Sounds just like me!

Week 1: Fighting Obesity

Start: 22nd of Februari: Tuesday morning: 71.5 kg.

I have been eating less and exercising more. Even after a week my boyfriend was able to say that he started to notice some changes. Yay!

Tuesday: 1790 Cal Walking: -300 Cal
Wednesday: 2045 Cal Walking: -350 Cal, Gym:450 Cal
Thursday: 1720 Cal Walking: -200 Cal
Friday: 1661 Cal Walking: -200 Cal
Saterday: 1950 Cal Working! (physically intens)
Sunday: 1375 Cal Gym: -350 Cal
Monday: 1835 Cal Walking: -300 Cal, Gym -450 Cal


So my first weighing moment was this morning. I was really scared to get on the weighing scale because I've been working out a lot recently (weights) and I was scared that I would either have gained some weight due to the amount of muscles I'm producing at the moment. But...There was nothing to be scared off, I weigh 70.4 kg, so I lost 1.1 kg.

Good start for the first week. I decided I would take this upcoming week to a whole new level. The intake of calories will be 1500 or less instead of the 1800 I had in mind for last week. A difficult task if you ask me! But do-able. If I eat more I'll just have to eat less the day after to compensate it, which I did last week as well.

Breasts magically falling off

I haven't posted anything for a while now. I really should be ashamed. But I'm not. So many things have happened over the past couple of years that I didn't feel like blogging, nor visiting my blog because of my lasts posts that reminded me of my ex. Things have changed though. I don't even know where to start.

So lets start at the beginning. About two years ago I got back from England. Had the most amazing summer ever in France with one of my male English friends. My boyfriend came by during the summer holiday as well. You could say that drama started from here on. He broke up with me, left and I never saw him again. I didn't just lose my boyfriend, I then lost my best friend as well. He was my buddy and he never planned to get in touch with me ever again. Don't ask me to explain why, I understand and that's the most important thing for now. I've come to terms with it.

I started Uni in Holland. I was and still am following a Graphic Design course. Been despressed for a really long time, but saying I was is easy because the term gets used too often nowadays. So I'll try to put it in different words: I didn't see the point of living anymore. Until I met someone. Someone I didn't expect to be together with for almost a year now. During that year I've had my ups and downs, which in any way is a good thing. Rather than just the downs I had before I met him. I have lost my female best friend as well. Things had changed between us and she thought it was time to quite the awkwardness of us meeting, etc. Anyway this is absolutely not why I started this blog. I feel like I should give a proper update rather than just jumping into the subject and leaving everything else that has happened on the side. Since I got back from England I gained 10 kilograms (1st 8lb). At first I didn't care, one or two pounds didn't matter. After a while I started thinking that it would be just as easy to lose those pounds as I got them. Untrue. I have tried to lose weight several times. By eating healthy and less. The problem is that I'm a monster when it comes to food.

I love food. Bad or healthy, I desire it. I don't just want some of it, I want all of it. Cravings remain untamed. Even if I have had two packs of crisps, a chocolate bar, supper, desert etc. I will take the opportunity to snatch anything that crosses my path. I always have been bigger and heavier than other women around me. Not because I am 'fat', just to put it bluntly, but because I have had very large breasts. And yes you are reading that correctly: I have HAD! I have had my breasts reduced last summer. For physical reasons. Simply because I couldn't live with them anymore. I had severe back and neck pains, a lot of head aches, physical exercise was a hell, actually, there was no physical exercise because I simply couldn't do any excercise at all. At that time I lost 1,5 kg (3.3lb), all of it being fat/tissue from my breasts. So after my surgery I have been very carefull about them. I was allowed to exersice intesively after 6 weeks again and I have been going to the gym ever since but intense training wasn't mentally possible. I was so happy with my 'new breasts' that I was scared of harming breast tissue etc.

On top of that I started work experience at a Graphic Design Bureau a couple of weeks ago. Meaning that I was going to sit on my arse all day. That's when I started to notice that something really was wrong. I realised that in those two years I had gained so much that I was just a plump of fat. How on earth was I able to let it get so far?! So that I why I started this blog. As a kind of motivation towards myself to actually lose those kg's and st's again. It will be hard and I know this out of experience, because I have already tried before. But this time I'm dead serious about it. I don't want to be skinny, I want to be healthy and I want to FEEL healthy again. I'm determined to share my ups and downs with you, even though I will be ashamed of my downs. I'll keep up a diary of what I've eaten all day, or when I've exercised (I started working out properly about a week/week and a half ago, I am not scared to damage anything anymore and I know that when I'm running my breasts won't magically fall off), and the rest that comes with it.

About a week ago I changed my habbits. I started to walk to work experience (40-45 min walk) and every now and then I walked back as well. Depending on whether time and my schedule would allow me to. I exercised more frequently, ate less etc. When I started I weighed 71.9 kg (11st 3.6lb) and I would like to go back to the 62 (9st 10.7lb) I used to weigh when I still had big breasts. I checked my BMI today for the first time, 26, I officially can be called obese. I'm just on the verge though. 0.5 kg less and I'm in the green zone again rather that in the red zone. Even though it says that I still need to lose weight. The green zone goes all the way from 53 kg (8st 4.8lb) to 70 kg (11st 0.3lb) so 62 kg is right in the middle; healthy. Tomorrow morning will be the first day I'm allowed back on the weighing scale after a week. Hope I have lost at least 1 kg. That is my quest for the upcoming weeks; 0.5 to 1 kg a week, which is a healthy way of losing weight. No crash diets!