I can smell my freedom

I am done with it. I am absolutely over and done with it. I have had to put up with so much of this shit and I don't want to be hurt anymore. I am the only person that is actually causing myself so much pain by keeping all your fricking e-mails, by visiting your facebook page regularly to see how you are because you don't reply to any of my e-mails. After all the shit I've done for you, you don't even seem to be capable to let me know how you are. Even though you know I love(d) you and I'm concerned about you. I haven't been the obsessive type with you I've left it how (apparantly) you wanted it to be. I didn't e-mail you too often (e.g. I've only send you two emails in the last four to six weeks which is nothing, telling you how I was doing, trying to approach you as a friend). I've gotten to a point right now in which I don't give a shit anymore. I've said this so many times to myself but today I'm changing my life drastically. I've had enough of this complete and utter bullshit and today I actually mean it.

I've deleted all your pictures of my phone and GOD that felt so good. They've been on there for more than several months now and I should've done it earlier. I didn't even look at the damn pictures, there wasn't a need for me to even look at them.

I've also just deleted 46 emails that I received from you over the past couple of months, all the exchanges of emails we've done and all the sweet and sour bitter crap that we shared and all the shit I've helped you with. I even deleted the folder I kept your fricking emails in because there's no need for me to keep it anymore because you're not sending me anything back anyway. GOD that feels great as well. But that's just one e-mail account let's go to the other and see what we can find. Ergh, deleted another folder with another 13 emails in it. I'm more than sure that there have been more but I'm happy I can't find them at the moment.

My laptop is fairly new so I don't have that many photo's on it but lets see what we can find and can delete. Good, only two photo's of us....DELETE...GOD the smell of freedom!

I have deleted your text messages a very long long time ago so I don't have to worry about that.

There is only one thing left that I want/need to do. Saterday (in less than two days) is my birthday. You broke up with me just a couple of days before your own, I still called you and I still gave you your present. I haven't heard from you in ages while YOU made ME promis to keep in touch, to let each other know how we are. I tried to live up to that promise. Too bad you never replied to my e-mails and I haven't heard from you for over 4 or 6 weeks even. If you contact me in any way on my birthday trying to congratulate me...fine...that means that we can be friends, but the effort won't come from my side. If you don't...Easy that means that you're no longer a friend to me. I've already found the right button on facebook to get you out of my friends list. I will however, send you and your family a Christmas card, because I had a great bond with them, especially his mother and she helped me (more importantly I helped the fricking bastard and her more than the other way around, no offence towards the woman it's a lovely, lovely lady and he should be proud to have a mum like that but the only thing he can do is complain about her)with so many things. To me it is just a way to say; 'Thanks for everything, have a nice life'.

For some reason I can't wait to hit that little button on facebook that says: 'Remove from friends'. It might seem evil, but I am so fucking happy that I am finally able to just let go of this son of a bitch after three and a half months... As I already stated; I can smell my freedom

Smoking 2

A while ago now I wrote a blog about smoking and the real reason I should be quitting. For those who are interested: I haven't smoked since the day I've written that blog and I don't feel like it. Whenever I smell the smoke of cigarettes I don't feel the need to light one up myself, I actually think it's digusting...Great isn't it?!

The Scientist

I never liked Coldplay. I just don't like the singers voice... I just realised something I didn't want to realise. I was scrolling through an amazing pianist David Sides who literally has covered every single song on Earth (not really of course but a lot) and as I was scrolling I came past a song called the Scientist. Most people will know this song. I have never properly listened to it. Meaning that I never listened to the lyrics properly. My ex boyfriend loved this song and played it on the piano more than often. I just don't like the fact that the lyrics just describes what I want. I want to go back to the start, when we met, when we fell in love so that I can be happy again...





Come up to meet you, Tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are

I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let’s go back to the start

Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Comin’ our tails, Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Aww take me back to the start

I was just guessin’, At numbers and figures, Pullin’ the puzzles apart

Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, Come back to haunt me, Oh when I rush to the start

Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Chasin’ our tails, Comin’ back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Aww It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m goin’ back to the start

Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo

'Hey, let me be your soulmate'

I noticed that my blogs have become more and more emotional recently. When I started writing my blogs they were mainly about life and how to approach it positively. My last few blogs however have been more about how I've experienced it in a negative way. I am definitely getting a different pill tomorrow as the one I'm on now is giving me moodswings and it makes me more hostile. I am mean and bitchy towards my friends, one of my friends hardly dares to speak to me fearing my reaction because I am so unpredictable. I can be nice but I can definitely be very very mean and agressive as well. Unfortunately you will never know what to expect to get as an answer when you open your mouth.

I hate that I am the person who I am today. I hate what has happened to me in the past which made me who I am. Because I am not acting like the person I actually am. Very confusing isn't it. I have always been a very bubbly girl, up for meeting new people and new big adventures. I have always been the first in line to go and play with my friends and try out a new game but nowadays it feels like my skin doesn't fit the person in it anymore. I don't want others to know that I'm vulnerable and I definitely don't want them to see or notice. I am putting up this wall of aggresiveness compaired with the bubbly old self to make up for the bad part. This is because I don't feel like anything is worth living for. I just lost my dearest possesion and damn it went oh so quick that I can hardly remember enjoying him around me. What is there to live for if you are unhappy anyway and aren't able to become happy with that one particular thing. They say you don't know what you've lost untill it is gone but I enjoyed every single moment being together with this person because I already knew we had to leave each other within a short period of time. Friends come and go, some of them will wait around to be there when you most need them whereas others just come and go for the fun. This person I am talking about wasn't a friend... he was my soulmate.

Because I know I am so vulnerable, because I know that I need someone in my life to replace this individual I am being a horrible person. I don't want anyone to get the chance to step into my life and say 'hey, let me be your soulmate, I'll change everything and make you feel better'...because I am scared to loose this person as well...and it is true. God takes away everything you need most. Why? To make you a stronger person, to teach you lifelessons and to show you that you can take the world on your own. I don't even believe in God. God is a lie and if he does exist he's an asshole.

I have lost my mother at a young age and if I could say one thing to her it would be an apology. I would apologise to her for not sitting next to her holding her hand when she was in her bed being sick and ill just a few days before she died. I would apologise to ignore the fact someone told me that you needed my sister and I. That even though you were a sleep it would've meant the world to you knowing that my sister or I was sitting next to you. Showing that we loved you. I avoided going into your room. You were lying in your bed, you couldn't even heat yourself up with your own bodytemperature because you hardly had a temperature. How in Earth could I have sat next to you, watching you slowly die. I didn't want you to leave us so I avoided the impossible. Seeing you leave this world slowly. I wish I would've snuggled up in your bed so I could have given you my warmth. So that at least you would've known that I really cared about you. You were so busy correcting my sister that you hardly ever had time left for me. I could've joined you through that difficult period showing you that I didn't care you'd neglected me a bit. Especially because I feel like I have neglected you all the way through your illness...

I wish I could've seen more of you, that you could've been there during my worst struggles. That you would be here now to hug me now I'm going through another difficult time. I miss this boy so much it hurts, it stings, it just makes me wanna break myself up so I don't have to feel anymore. I have lost an important person before, have I just lost another one? Or will I be able to say in time that I was being silly and I can be happy with someone else around me.

Sometimes I wish you could just write me a letter, telling me what to do. Telling me how to live on with my life because at the moment I would not know how to live on, only how to end it...

Smoking

After I went to bed yesterday I had almost forced myself up again because I thought of something very important concercing a bad habit of mine. Yet I couldn't because I was already dozing off and too tired.

When I got back from Uni I got bored so I watched three episodes from Style by Jury. One of the episodes was about a woman who smoked excessively. Her teeth and gum were damaged so badly that she didn't dare to smile and believe me it looked as if a bomb had gone off in her mouth. Both her father, mother and brother had died of cancer due to smoking but she still smoked. The host posed her a question; why does an intelligent person smoke? They all know the consequences of smoking, they know what it does physically and mentally so why would you do it? Especially when you know your loved ones have died because of it?!

I realised that this is true. I used to smoke, this turned into quitting, this then turned into smoking at a party or when I had fun with friends. But I have fun with friends in the weekend just as much as during the week so I started smoking every single day. Sometimes just one cigarette whereas other times I could finish a pack a day on my own. I have finished my A-Levels in England (equivalent to VWO in Holland) meaning that I am definitely not a stupid or dumb person. I'm considered to be of, at least, average intelligence and yet I do light up a cigeratte more than often.

What I suddenly realised and had striken me badly yesterday is the fact that my own mother has died because of breastcancer and the reason her body couldn't fight against it was because she was a smoker. If she didn't smoke she would've had a better chance of surviving but she didn't. This is a god damn good reason for myself NOT to smoke, not often, not now and then, just NEVER. Yet still I do/did. My mother was a good, loving person and everything she did was good for others and there's something in me that wants to be as much like my mother as can be. I changed my surname to hers, which already proves a lot. This gives me the reason to smoke, becaus she did it I can do it as well.

I am sure that when my mother would be able to see me she would be more than happy, proud and fierce to see how well I am doing at Uni, in life, with my family and friends etc. However when I think about it, one thing is for sure; my mother definitely would have tears in her eyes every single time I would light up a cigarette. She would probably hate herself for being the bad person influencing her own children by lighting them up herself in front of me when I was little. She wouldn't want me to do the bad things she did. Now that...is a good enough reason to quit.