Without You

Translation from the Dutch lyrics

I have put on a mask
And when my friends ask me
I tell them it's wonderful being alone
Your photos are already taken down
As if I can suddenly forget
That I miss you
How cold it is
How empty it is without you
around me

I can't let you go
Even though I say it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
No, I don't live in a world without you

I've tried almost everything
I lie when they ask me how I am
I read some books, watch TV
But that doesn't change anything
I still feel
I still desire
I still think
About you and only you

I can't let you go
Even though I say it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
No, I don't live in a world without you

Time is standing still
Time that healls all wounds
It doesn't run without you
I can't let you go
Even though I scream it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
And everything I love so much
No I don't live in a world
Without you

Zonder Jou

Ik heb een masker opgezet
En als mijn vrienden erom vragen
Zeg ik dat het heerlijk is alleen
Je foto's zijn al van de wand
Alsof ik zo vergeten kan
Dat ik je mis
Hoe koud het is
Hoe leeg zo zonder jou
Hier om me heen

Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al zeg ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld zonder jou

Ik heb bijna alles geprobeerd
Alles om je te vergeten
Ik lieg als ze me vragen hoe het gaat
Ik lees wat boeken, kijk TV
Maar daar verandert ook niets mee
Ik voel nog steeds
Verlang nog steeds
Ik denk nog steeds
En steeds alleen aan jou

Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al zeg ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld zonder jou

De tijd staat stil
De tijd die alle wonden heelt
Ze loopt niet zonder jou
Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al schreeuw ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
En alles aan je waar ik zo van hou
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld
Zonder jou

Meaning of what?

I guess many people are having problems with the question I am about to pose and I am sure that many people don't even understand the sincerity of it. But what in god's name is the purpose of life?

Why are we humans on this little life bulb called Earth. I had a very deep conversation with one of my roommates the other day and she believes that every single human being is alive and on this planet for a reason. That reason can be big or small, but it will always be big for the person in question. After looking at her like a dumb donkey I dared her to tell me what my life purpose is, because I hadn't/haven't found out yet myself. She honestly thinks that the purpose of my life is to help other people, which to a certain extent is true. As long as I like these people I am more than happy to help them with their issues, I'll even catch a bullet for them. Why? Simple....Because I don't give a fuck about myself.

I will never ever bend down to pick up what another person has dropped if I don't like them. I don't even think they deserve a nice facial expression from me when they are around. You see how horrible I am? The reason I am doing this is because individuals, or just people in general depends on how you look at it, have fucked me over so much that I don't think it's worth any effort to make new friends or be kind. Yes I am a bad person so that proves the point that I want to help people to a certain degree.

Back to the main question however. In a nutshell; we are pooped out by our mothers, learn how to walk and talk. Go to kindergarden, primary school, secondary school, high school, get a degree, job, wife/husband kids, a dog and live life happily ever after and then die. Of course most individuals experience it in a slightly different way (think of divorced parents, death of spouse etc) but this is just my simple train of though. So really. What's the use of life?

My theory is that when you kill two thirds of the entire humanity the world and it's content will be better off. Why? Because that'll mean there's less polution of any kind, etc. I am more than happy to be the first to be shot in the head for this project because I believe this is the only way we'll be able to save planet Earth from ourselves.

You know what, commiting suicide seems so simple and easy nowadays. Even when I am watching a film and something happens to one of the maincharacters that is emotionally tearing me apart I automatically think 'well kill yourself it'll save you all the bullshit and crap'. Most people might not understand this because they haven't been through the same stuff as I did. Others do understand it but I don't want to know about it.

To be honest there is really no good answer to this question. If you don't want to live I'll say commit suicide, if you do enjoy life then don't. I myself try to live every single day to the full, it's the little things that keep me going even though I'm probably as suicidal as I can be. I wouldn't give a shit being hit by a truck and dying instantly, I wouldn't give a shit being hit and having to suffer before dying. That's life. Of course there are people in my life that I care about and I know they'll be more than upset to find out I'm dead. However, the only people I really care about are very old anyway and I think they won't make it another five or ten years or so. People don't really need me help, when I'm gone they'll be able to let their emotions loose on someone else. When I'm gone they'll grieve about me for a couple of months, finis. nada. punt. klaar. That's it.

Then why am I still alive? Because I don't have the balls? Because I am too weak to actually throw myself off a building or a bridge or jump in front of a train? I don't know, I've never tried it so I can't say. It is more that I keep going because of curiosity. I believe that there is actually something out there worth living for, I thought I had found that something a couple of months ago but that just turned out to be a big no go. I still cry myself to sleep many nights because of it. I will keep going until I have found out for sure whether there is something to live for. It may be an object, a person, or whatever. I'm too curious to give up now. And if there isn't anything out there...well...

I'll have to think of a damn creative and original way to rob myself from my own life as I hate copycats.

No one wants a broken heart

I was writing my best male friend an e-mail the other day and when I was reading it again it kind of shocked me. He told me that the reason I have boyfriends is because I need someone. Doesn't matter who it is. Unfortunately that is true to a certain degree, but something has happened over the past couple of months that has changed that. I'll save you a long story and just put the main bit in and explain it afterwards.



"I just want to get one thing straight. When I got to know Ben I thought I wasn't over Harry yet. As you know the relationship between Harry and me was just one big lie. I wasn't planning on getting a new boyfriend because I had already in mind to find a new cute man in Holland. I had only 6 months to go and that is a very short period. I was already glad that I didnt have to break up with Harry 'just because I happened to be Dutch and I happened to move back to Holland'. But Ben just crossed my path. As I said, I didn't expect him to step in to my life and most of all, I didn't expect that I would fall in love with him. I'm sorry to say this as it must be very hard for you to swollow. But I love that guy to the bone. For whom he is and for what he has done to me. He has showed me that after all that pain men have brought me there is actually one guy out there who hasn't got the intention to hurt me. At the same time that is the biggest reason I hate him. I hate it when he doesn't email me back straight away but a month later after I've put effort in writing an e-mail. I hate knowing that he's having fun with loads of new girls around him as he's in sixth form now. I hate how I dream about him almost every night in which I still tbelieve we're together and I hate waking up after knowing it was just a dream. I hate thinking about him, I hate talking about him. I hate that I hate him and I hate that he's got me under his skin. Because it hurts. It hurts so much James. Contradicting isn't it? And its that you can't see it but saying this makes me cry. I've never spilled so many tears over a guy. So many real tears. he makes me vulnerable and you are the person to know that no one is allowed to see that. "

I'll start at the beginning. At the end of 2009 my boyfriend back then, called Harry, broke up with me. At that time I was devastated but it only took me five weeks to realise that I had never liked him. That I went out with him because I needed the cuddles, kisses and hugs. He wasn't the first with whom I realised that was actually why I went out with them. This was because we had absolutely nothing in common. I'm extravert, very open and honest. He made me quiet and shy. Someone/thing I'm not but above all; we never talked. I don't think that in those ten months we went out we ever had a proper conversation about something serious. About what he wanted to do when he was older, or what I wanted to become when I was old enough to get a job and kids. What interested him or the other way around. I don't even know his favourite colour or food. I still don't even though we were 'friends' at first. You see we were stuck together at school in this group with about twenty people. I don't think that the majority could even get along so I'd already known Harry for over a year when we started dating and going out.

Anyway back to that e-mail. We'd broken up and the christmas holiday had started. I finally felt fine after five long and lonely weeks trying to get over the fact he had dumped me (and not the other way around). I even think that was the hardest bit for me to deal with, the fact that I got dumped. During the Christmas holiday I got in touch with this little brother of another 'friend' of mine. This was over facebook and he randomly started commenting on one of my photographs. After heavy and fun discussions on facebook we exchanged e-mail addresses and started chatting on msn (how cheecky). I found out that this little brother of my friend was actually more mature than my friend himself. Definitely more handsome I have to say. You know what it's like. You start to chatt and you start to fancy him. O.K. I didn't actually know the guy because I never had a conversation with him in real life, but nonetheless this made it more interesting and adventerous. From then on it all went so fast, before we knew it we were a couple. However no one knew, at least not the unimportant people, because he is a little bit younger than me and we thought it would've been the best for ourselves if not that many people knew about it.

God what an amazing time we had in England. It hurts thinking about the many fun things we've done, about all the times I got in hysterics because of him. It hurts thinking about his handsome face and the little things he used to do. I miss his clumsiness and I love the fact he's stubborn as hell. I also love the fact he sticks his tongue out to one side when he's concentrating on something and I also love the fact he can give such cheecky smiles without knowing it and that he used to turn red when I pointed out he was giving me that sexy, sexy smile. I miss his childish handwriting and I miss the way he smells. Even after having broken up for two months and two weeks already.

I wasn't even planning on meeting this guy. I knew I was going back to holland within six months and I was mentally preparing myself for that. There's a reason why I say; "I'm sorry to say this and it must be very hard for you to swollow" to my friend in the e-mail. This is because the night before I left England I threw a "Goodbye" party for my friends. My best friend got a bit pissed and as we both slept in the boarding house he turned up to my door at night. It took him so much effort to tell me the stuff he had told me that night but he admitted that he had been head over heels with me probably since he had known me, which is more than two years. Even after I've been the biggest bitch to him. Excuse me for my use of language but there is no better word to desribe it. I've done and said the most horrible things to my best friend because I was trying to keep him on a distance. Because I'm scared of losing people, good friends, as I've been through it all before. I hate myself for spending more time with my ex boyfriend than with my friends but that is the way things happened back then.

I'm such a chaos when you think about it. I make people hate me so I don't have to bond with them. James found out the hard way and still stayed loyal to me. Ben turned out to be a dissapointment in every single way. Guys when you ever consider it; long distance relationship just don't work. I'm the result and the prove of it. No one wants a broken heart