68.8

A week has gone by since I was so proud to be 69. The weekend was different and difficult for me. I got on the weighing scale Saterday morning and I was 68.3, but there were loads of festivals the same day to celebrate our freedom. Meaning there were going to be a lot of bands, a lot of opportunities to have a drink (beer mostly) and have lots of bad food. I ate so much that day, I felt ill that evening. I was at my boyfriends house on Sunday and the same problem occured. I ate so unbelievably much that I felt ill again that evening. Somehow I just don't seem to be able to keep myself to my strict diet during the weekends. Because there simply isn't any structure I can keep myself to as I do other things than during the week. So this morning when I got on the weighing scale I was happy I weighed 68.8. Yes I gained weight, but not as much as I expected myself to gain.

Yesterday I cycled to my parents house (8.4 km, takes me about 30 minutes to get there from where I have my work experience) to have diner at their place. I was planning on cycling back to my house after diner (11.8 km) but someone came with the idea to go to the cinema to go and see the Avengers. Absolutly great movie by the way. I laughed so hard. The Hulk is so funny. Anyway, we put my back in the back of the car and after the movie they dropped me off at home. So I didn't get to cycle back which was quite disapointing as I actually looked forward to it. I am also looking forward to going to the gym tonight! It is some kind of therapy for me. I'm not feeling very comfortable at home. So putting my mind on other things is good. Some people I live with are just very frustrating. One of my housemates was supposed to clean the bathroom last week, which she didn't. The housemate who was supposed to clean it the week before her had left that week meaning that the bathroom hasn't been cleaned for more than two weeks now. Disgusting! It smells, there are hairs everywhere. Normally I give it an extra cleaning sessions. But nowadays I just refuse to do it as my housemates seem to be incapable of keeping the house clean. I am not their housemaid and as long as they don't pay me a fair amount of money I'm not going to clean up after them. Disgusting rats.

It is one girl in particular. I have been living with her for a year and a half now, I never used to have problems with her tidying because she always did her tasks. She went to have a shower with her flipflops on, because she was scared to get infections or something. Whenever she goes to the toilet she puts toiletpaper on the seat first before she sits down. The house isn't actually that dirty because I keep it clean together with one or two other girls. But she went to Australia for a couple of months and after she got back she turned into an absolute pig. Leaving her stuff behind, leaving food cans and lits open, not doing her weekly task, leaving her 'boyfriend' to vomit all over the toilet seat and not cleaning it up so someone else has to do it. Eww she disgusts me so much it makes me angry. I've talked to her about it so many times, she just gets angry, I get angry because she's an idiot and doesn't understand why the house needs to be hygenic, and BOOM, we're in a fight.

Week?

It has been a while since I last wrote something. I have been having moodswings and a difficult time leaving bad food aside. On the other hand, I have been doing quite well from last tuesday onwards. It is friday today, okay that's not even a week but it motivated me to post something.

It was Queensday last weekend, so I had a couple of beers, had loads of sweets and cookies. When I got on the weighing scale tuesday morning I was 71 kg again. I was so ashamed. Especially because I got so far a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure what the exact weight was but I think I weighed 68 or something. Now I was 71 again, more or less where I started! There were two reasons (I see them as bad excuses) for that: holidays and not being able to exercise due to not having enough time. I should be disciplining myself more, like walking to work experience again. I stopped doing that about two weeks ago. I fixed my bike and I think you will agree with me when I say that it is so tempting to stay in bed for 30 minutes longer when you can take a bike instead. Every night I go to bed telling myself you will and you are getting up at 07.45. But once my alarm clock goes off I keep on snoozing it 'till it's 08.15 and it's too late for me to go on foot.

I am forcing myself to go to the gym at least 2-3 times a week and I have been able to keep that promis to myself. I'm not able to go to the gym during the weekends so I have got 5 days left during weekdays. In which I see my friends on one day and the other I either need to babysit, I see my parents or I have got other compulsary things to do. I try to do things by bike as much as possible. Sometimes that means I am cycling 20 km in just one evening. For example when I am going to see my parents. I do eat healthy (except for the cravings every now and then when I finish a whole pack of cookies in half an hour). I eat two pieces of fruit every day. I eat enough vegetables. I pick out the healthier things, such as light or soya yoghurt instead of normal yoghurt. I don't drink any soda, when I do I drink tomatojuice, which is good for you. Things like that.

Anyway, I got on the weighing scale this morning. 69 kg. WIN!! I have started taking pictures of myself. So that I can make a short movie out of them. Showing others what I achieved once I get to the 65 kg. Or 62. Or 60, whatever my goal is going to be in the end. Secretively I would like to weigh 63 again. Yet anything under 65 is fine as well. We'll see. Also I have noticed that the 'before and after' pictures are very motivating for me. Just seeing what others have achieved. If they can do it why shouldn't it be working for me?! Right?!

Week 7: Pfoeeee

It is tuesday today, and frankly I didn’t get myself onto the weighing scale this morning. Not because I was scared to face the truth but because I actually forgot about it. I don’t think there is a point in getting on there. It was Easter last weekend and I have eaten way too much. It started last thursday, I went out with my friends and I drunk so much alcohol. I felt ill at the end of the evening so you can guess the amount of intake was loads. The day after I went to my boyfriends house, where they stuffed me (as usual) with nice food.

I took it easy on saterday (during the day) but we had Tapas in the evening, which are small bits of food. It didn’t all fit on the table, can you imagined what it looked like? Then on sunday, oh dear... sunday. We had an Easter brunch at my house and I took my boyfriend with me. We had soup, eggs, Easter bread, normal bread. Oh my lord, just like the night before the table was overloaded with nice and lovely food. I don’t know what it is like in other countries but in Holland you have an Easter brunch, eat as if you are having supper and then eat nothing, or almost nothing, for the rest of the day. The thing was that my boyfriend and I went straight on to his grandparents. Where we went to a Japanese restaurant and had a complete dinner. Not three dishes, but 5. More or less ridiculous.

I am not ashamed for eating so much, because Easter is an official ‘holiday’ and I want to be able to enjoy such things. I am ashamed of the fact that I haven’t counted any calories at all the last couple of weeks because I was sure I would be able to lose weight without keeping an eye on what I was eating. But also, I am ashamed of the fact that I don’t even know which week I am in now. 5? 6? 7? I had no idea that I was already in week 7. 2 months have gone by and I haven’t lost...well...shit... So no Nutella for me today, no sweets and no crisps, or other stuff that I shouldn’t be eating. This is going to be an healthy week for me. I want to feel healthy again!

On an other note. I have booked my flight to England last weekend. I was videochatting with on of my friends overthere and I have had plans to go to the UK for a very long time now. It has been over a year since I last seen my friends overthere. It was time for me to book my flights. SO I DID. In May I’m going to Brussels. In June/July to England and at the end of July to Rome. I am soooo happy about it. I have worked my butt off to be able to pay for this.

Week 5

There's no week four as I was on an holiday, so I'll go straight to week five.

Arrrghh! I have gained weight. This morning 70.3 kg. I forgot to weigh myself yesterday but I don't think it was anything better. Last week was a lot of fun, I ate a lot simply because I was on a holiday but I'm finding it difficult to go back to 'dietmode' again now that I am back.

I'm keeping this post short, just don't feel like typing or writing.

Bad, Bad, Bad yet I'm happy

Bad:

I stopped counting calories. I know exactly what I can eat and what I shouldn't be touching. As long as I keep going like this it should be fine. At the moment my intake is inbetween the 1500-2000 calories. Just what I need. I'm feeling happy and healthy and I don't want to restrict myself to anything. I just need to eat healthy and keep that going instead of not eating enough. I will loose weight eventually if I keep on walking to work experience, exercising every now and stay away from bad snacks. It'll go slow but I won't restrict myself to a so called 'crash' diet.

Happy:

I know I shouldn't have done this but I got on the weighing scale this morning. I gained some weight. Of course it is all muscle seeing as I don't snack anymore (besides last weekend ha!). It was disapointing but I got to loose weight in little steps. Also when I started I measured my waist; 88 cm. The waist of a healthy woman needs to be under 80 cm. I measured myself again this morning; 79 cm! So even though I have gained weight, my body is getting into shape.

Happy:

Another thing I am proud of is that I have done a good deed today, which has got nothing to do with me loosing weight at all. When I walk to work experience I pass this guy every single morning playing the accordion. He plays it very well and frankly, he lightens up my day. So when I went to my grandparents place yesterday, I left with money (as old people do, when you visit you'll leave feeling full and fat because of the food and your pockets are filled with money as well). I decided that I would give a tenner to this guy. I wrote a little note as well, thanking him for what he is doing. I put everyting in an envelope and I'd put it in his bag when I walked by this morning. Seeing as I'm going on a holiday tomorrow for over a week I won't be walking past him for a while. I wonder how he will react the first time he sees me again.

Bad:

So that brings me to the next subject, I won't be able to weigh myself until I get back from my holiday. We're going skiing with the family so as long as I'm not eating to much I should be loosing weight. We'll see what happens. I'm afraid it will be a little bit of a weird holiday. My uncle (equivalent to my father) has been fired last week. Even though he just got his job. It's not that he is not doing his job well. You see, the company asked him to become a part of the family to improve the structure in the company. It was very promising and they literally begged him to become a part. He quit his other job, which he had a good contract for and started about 6-7 maybe 8 months ago at Microsoft in the Netherlands. Besides the fact that it was really hard for him to step in properly, because there are so many things that needed improvement, he had been placed into a more ICT branch of the company; which he had no experience with. They didn't improve other things within the company, which in turn started clashing with what my uncle was been hired for. So last week he was been told that they didn't need him afterall because they weren't going to improve the other aspects of the company. Or in other words you can pack your stuff and leave. Fucking bastards. That just makes me angry, but then again that's the real world. We live in uncertainty now. We don't know how long my uncle will be paid for, or how soon he'll be able to get another job. Plus he hired a lawyer to help him with this case. Expensive shit really. Unfortunately, that's going to have a certain impact on our family holiday of course.

Pffffff.....

Week 3: Fighting Discipline!

Start: 6th of March: Tuesday morning: 69,1 kg.

I have had such a rough weekend. I have been eating like an absolute pig. I should be ashamed of myself, but I'm not. For some reason I don't feel that bad for eating all the bad things I did (chocolate easter eggs, not one but 10 or so. I finished a whole pack (210 gr) of M&M's with 36 gr containing 179 calories, I had chocolate sprinkles on my bread, and I didn't eat one slice, no I ate at least 4-5, and the list just continues). I probably don't feel that bad because I know I am starting today where I finished last week; eating healthy again. This is the first time I have a 'breakdown' and I'm able to get myself up again whereas previously I would've given up after I caved in. Now I haven't. Okay what I did was wrong, very wrong but I will continue and I'm O.K. with the fact I won't always be able to stay strong. Staying strong to me means having ups and downs but knowing how to get myself up after a down again and don't give in/up entirely.

The only thing I am ashamed about is that it'll probably take me an extra week to get to my new goal. Plus the fact that I haven't been able to stay under the 1500 calories AT ALL. I find it so hard to stay disciplined. Also the rewards I linked with my goals so far don't mean that much anymore. They are all about food and I let myself have a snack once I've reached my goal. But seeing as I also have a snack when I cave in isn't really rewarding anymore. I think I should change my goals to more material things; buying clothes for example is better.

Tuesday: 1650 Calories - 300 Cal walking
Wednesday: 1685 Calories - 300 Cal walking - 400 cal jogging
Thursday: 2000 Calories - 300 Cal Walking
Friday: 1940 - 300 cal walking
Saterday: 10000000 Calories (didn't count)
Sunday: 1000000 Calories (didn't count)
Monday: 1830 Calories -250 walking - 350 Gym

More or less a disapointment when I got on the scale. I didn't gain anything nor did I loose it. Still 69.1 kg. I need to discipline myself! I CAN DO THIS!

Goddamnit I'm hungry

Oh this is so unbelievably difficult! I have been counting calories every day and I have set up some goals for each week. I think I'm going to change my goal for this week which initially was 1200 (actually way too less and not even healthy anymore) but frankly I haven't been able to stay under the 1200 calories. In fact I've gone over the 1500 the last two days. So 1500 it will be today, tomorrow and the rest of week 3. Besides that I had my breakfast this morning while I was in a bit of a hurry. I just got to work experience and I am already so hungry it's ridiculous. I haven't had this before. Most of the time I get hungry around 11ish. That's when I have a little snack. So instead I'm drinking a sh*tload of tea at the moment.

I will be going to the gym tonight and even though I couldv'e gone last night I didn't. I had a nice evening in all by myself. Lately I haven't been able to spend time just by myself. So I turned on the music, started singing, dancing, I had put on a movie, etc. So nice and relaxing.

I guess that if I walk every day and go to the gym at least once, preferably twice-three times a week I'll still be doing great exercise-wise. I'm not going crazy about it and in combination with eating healthy and a little less I'll still be loosing weight. I do realise that the lighter I get the longer it'll take before another kg has left this body. The fact I already lost 2.5 in such a short time is just lucky. I just need to make sure I loose body fat and no muscles. I just wonder when the first time we'll be that someone notices that I actually lost some weight.