I never liked Coldplay. I just don't like the singers voice... I just realised something I didn't want to realise. I was scrolling through an amazing pianist David Sides who literally has covered every single song on Earth (not really of course but a lot) and as I was scrolling I came past a song called the Scientist. Most people will know this song. I have never properly listened to it. Meaning that I never listened to the lyrics properly. My ex boyfriend loved this song and played it on the piano more than often. I just don't like the fact that the lyrics just describes what I want. I want to go back to the start, when we met, when we fell in love so that I can be happy again...
Come up to meet you, Tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let’s go back to the start
Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Comin’ our tails, Heads on the science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Aww take me back to the start
I was just guessin’, At numbers and figures, Pullin’ the puzzles apart
Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, Come back to haunt me, Oh when I rush to the start
Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Chasin’ our tails, Comin’ back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Aww It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m goin’ back to the start
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Sunday, 5 December 2010
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
'Hey, let me be your soulmate'
I noticed that my blogs have become more and more emotional recently. When I started writing my blogs they were mainly about life and how to approach it positively. My last few blogs however have been more about how I've experienced it in a negative way. I am definitely getting a different pill tomorrow as the one I'm on now is giving me moodswings and it makes me more hostile. I am mean and bitchy towards my friends, one of my friends hardly dares to speak to me fearing my reaction because I am so unpredictable. I can be nice but I can definitely be very very mean and agressive as well. Unfortunately you will never know what to expect to get as an answer when you open your mouth.
I hate that I am the person who I am today. I hate what has happened to me in the past which made me who I am. Because I am not acting like the person I actually am. Very confusing isn't it. I have always been a very bubbly girl, up for meeting new people and new big adventures. I have always been the first in line to go and play with my friends and try out a new game but nowadays it feels like my skin doesn't fit the person in it anymore. I don't want others to know that I'm vulnerable and I definitely don't want them to see or notice. I am putting up this wall of aggresiveness compaired with the bubbly old self to make up for the bad part. This is because I don't feel like anything is worth living for. I just lost my dearest possesion and damn it went oh so quick that I can hardly remember enjoying him around me. What is there to live for if you are unhappy anyway and aren't able to become happy with that one particular thing. They say you don't know what you've lost untill it is gone but I enjoyed every single moment being together with this person because I already knew we had to leave each other within a short period of time. Friends come and go, some of them will wait around to be there when you most need them whereas others just come and go for the fun. This person I am talking about wasn't a friend... he was my soulmate.
Because I know I am so vulnerable, because I know that I need someone in my life to replace this individual I am being a horrible person. I don't want anyone to get the chance to step into my life and say 'hey, let me be your soulmate, I'll change everything and make you feel better'...because I am scared to loose this person as well...and it is true. God takes away everything you need most. Why? To make you a stronger person, to teach you lifelessons and to show you that you can take the world on your own. I don't even believe in God. God is a lie and if he does exist he's an asshole.
I have lost my mother at a young age and if I could say one thing to her it would be an apology. I would apologise to her for not sitting next to her holding her hand when she was in her bed being sick and ill just a few days before she died. I would apologise to ignore the fact someone told me that you needed my sister and I. That even though you were a sleep it would've meant the world to you knowing that my sister or I was sitting next to you. Showing that we loved you. I avoided going into your room. You were lying in your bed, you couldn't even heat yourself up with your own bodytemperature because you hardly had a temperature. How in Earth could I have sat next to you, watching you slowly die. I didn't want you to leave us so I avoided the impossible. Seeing you leave this world slowly. I wish I would've snuggled up in your bed so I could have given you my warmth. So that at least you would've known that I really cared about you. You were so busy correcting my sister that you hardly ever had time left for me. I could've joined you through that difficult period showing you that I didn't care you'd neglected me a bit. Especially because I feel like I have neglected you all the way through your illness...
I wish I could've seen more of you, that you could've been there during my worst struggles. That you would be here now to hug me now I'm going through another difficult time. I miss this boy so much it hurts, it stings, it just makes me wanna break myself up so I don't have to feel anymore. I have lost an important person before, have I just lost another one? Or will I be able to say in time that I was being silly and I can be happy with someone else around me.
Sometimes I wish you could just write me a letter, telling me what to do. Telling me how to live on with my life because at the moment I would not know how to live on, only how to end it...
I hate that I am the person who I am today. I hate what has happened to me in the past which made me who I am. Because I am not acting like the person I actually am. Very confusing isn't it. I have always been a very bubbly girl, up for meeting new people and new big adventures. I have always been the first in line to go and play with my friends and try out a new game but nowadays it feels like my skin doesn't fit the person in it anymore. I don't want others to know that I'm vulnerable and I definitely don't want them to see or notice. I am putting up this wall of aggresiveness compaired with the bubbly old self to make up for the bad part. This is because I don't feel like anything is worth living for. I just lost my dearest possesion and damn it went oh so quick that I can hardly remember enjoying him around me. What is there to live for if you are unhappy anyway and aren't able to become happy with that one particular thing. They say you don't know what you've lost untill it is gone but I enjoyed every single moment being together with this person because I already knew we had to leave each other within a short period of time. Friends come and go, some of them will wait around to be there when you most need them whereas others just come and go for the fun. This person I am talking about wasn't a friend... he was my soulmate.
Because I know I am so vulnerable, because I know that I need someone in my life to replace this individual I am being a horrible person. I don't want anyone to get the chance to step into my life and say 'hey, let me be your soulmate, I'll change everything and make you feel better'...because I am scared to loose this person as well...and it is true. God takes away everything you need most. Why? To make you a stronger person, to teach you lifelessons and to show you that you can take the world on your own. I don't even believe in God. God is a lie and if he does exist he's an asshole.
I have lost my mother at a young age and if I could say one thing to her it would be an apology. I would apologise to her for not sitting next to her holding her hand when she was in her bed being sick and ill just a few days before she died. I would apologise to ignore the fact someone told me that you needed my sister and I. That even though you were a sleep it would've meant the world to you knowing that my sister or I was sitting next to you. Showing that we loved you. I avoided going into your room. You were lying in your bed, you couldn't even heat yourself up with your own bodytemperature because you hardly had a temperature. How in Earth could I have sat next to you, watching you slowly die. I didn't want you to leave us so I avoided the impossible. Seeing you leave this world slowly. I wish I would've snuggled up in your bed so I could have given you my warmth. So that at least you would've known that I really cared about you. You were so busy correcting my sister that you hardly ever had time left for me. I could've joined you through that difficult period showing you that I didn't care you'd neglected me a bit. Especially because I feel like I have neglected you all the way through your illness...
I wish I could've seen more of you, that you could've been there during my worst struggles. That you would be here now to hug me now I'm going through another difficult time. I miss this boy so much it hurts, it stings, it just makes me wanna break myself up so I don't have to feel anymore. I have lost an important person before, have I just lost another one? Or will I be able to say in time that I was being silly and I can be happy with someone else around me.
Sometimes I wish you could just write me a letter, telling me what to do. Telling me how to live on with my life because at the moment I would not know how to live on, only how to end it...
Smoking
After I went to bed yesterday I had almost forced myself up again because I thought of something very important concercing a bad habit of mine. Yet I couldn't because I was already dozing off and too tired.
When I got back from Uni I got bored so I watched three episodes from Style by Jury. One of the episodes was about a woman who smoked excessively. Her teeth and gum were damaged so badly that she didn't dare to smile and believe me it looked as if a bomb had gone off in her mouth. Both her father, mother and brother had died of cancer due to smoking but she still smoked. The host posed her a question; why does an intelligent person smoke? They all know the consequences of smoking, they know what it does physically and mentally so why would you do it? Especially when you know your loved ones have died because of it?!
I realised that this is true. I used to smoke, this turned into quitting, this then turned into smoking at a party or when I had fun with friends. But I have fun with friends in the weekend just as much as during the week so I started smoking every single day. Sometimes just one cigarette whereas other times I could finish a pack a day on my own. I have finished my A-Levels in England (equivalent to VWO in Holland) meaning that I am definitely not a stupid or dumb person. I'm considered to be of, at least, average intelligence and yet I do light up a cigeratte more than often.
What I suddenly realised and had striken me badly yesterday is the fact that my own mother has died because of breastcancer and the reason her body couldn't fight against it was because she was a smoker. If she didn't smoke she would've had a better chance of surviving but she didn't. This is a god damn good reason for myself NOT to smoke, not often, not now and then, just NEVER. Yet still I do/did. My mother was a good, loving person and everything she did was good for others and there's something in me that wants to be as much like my mother as can be. I changed my surname to hers, which already proves a lot. This gives me the reason to smoke, becaus she did it I can do it as well.
I am sure that when my mother would be able to see me she would be more than happy, proud and fierce to see how well I am doing at Uni, in life, with my family and friends etc. However when I think about it, one thing is for sure; my mother definitely would have tears in her eyes every single time I would light up a cigarette. She would probably hate herself for being the bad person influencing her own children by lighting them up herself in front of me when I was little. She wouldn't want me to do the bad things she did. Now that...is a good enough reason to quit.
When I got back from Uni I got bored so I watched three episodes from Style by Jury. One of the episodes was about a woman who smoked excessively. Her teeth and gum were damaged so badly that she didn't dare to smile and believe me it looked as if a bomb had gone off in her mouth. Both her father, mother and brother had died of cancer due to smoking but she still smoked. The host posed her a question; why does an intelligent person smoke? They all know the consequences of smoking, they know what it does physically and mentally so why would you do it? Especially when you know your loved ones have died because of it?!
I realised that this is true. I used to smoke, this turned into quitting, this then turned into smoking at a party or when I had fun with friends. But I have fun with friends in the weekend just as much as during the week so I started smoking every single day. Sometimes just one cigarette whereas other times I could finish a pack a day on my own. I have finished my A-Levels in England (equivalent to VWO in Holland) meaning that I am definitely not a stupid or dumb person. I'm considered to be of, at least, average intelligence and yet I do light up a cigeratte more than often.
What I suddenly realised and had striken me badly yesterday is the fact that my own mother has died because of breastcancer and the reason her body couldn't fight against it was because she was a smoker. If she didn't smoke she would've had a better chance of surviving but she didn't. This is a god damn good reason for myself NOT to smoke, not often, not now and then, just NEVER. Yet still I do/did. My mother was a good, loving person and everything she did was good for others and there's something in me that wants to be as much like my mother as can be. I changed my surname to hers, which already proves a lot. This gives me the reason to smoke, becaus she did it I can do it as well.
I am sure that when my mother would be able to see me she would be more than happy, proud and fierce to see how well I am doing at Uni, in life, with my family and friends etc. However when I think about it, one thing is for sure; my mother definitely would have tears in her eyes every single time I would light up a cigarette. She would probably hate herself for being the bad person influencing her own children by lighting them up herself in front of me when I was little. She wouldn't want me to do the bad things she did. Now that...is a good enough reason to quit.
Monday, 29 November 2010
Without You
Translation from the Dutch lyrics
I have put on a mask
And when my friends ask me
I tell them it's wonderful being alone
Your photos are already taken down
As if I can suddenly forget
That I miss you
How cold it is
How empty it is without you
around me
I can't let you go
Even though I say it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
No, I don't live in a world without you
I've tried almost everything
I lie when they ask me how I am
I read some books, watch TV
But that doesn't change anything
I still feel
I still desire
I still think
About you and only you
I can't let you go
Even though I say it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
No, I don't live in a world without you
Time is standing still
Time that healls all wounds
It doesn't run without you
I can't let you go
Even though I scream it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
And everything I love so much
No I don't live in a world
Without you
I have put on a mask
And when my friends ask me
I tell them it's wonderful being alone
Your photos are already taken down
As if I can suddenly forget
That I miss you
How cold it is
How empty it is without you
around me
I can't let you go
Even though I say it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
No, I don't live in a world without you
I've tried almost everything
I lie when they ask me how I am
I read some books, watch TV
But that doesn't change anything
I still feel
I still desire
I still think
About you and only you
I can't let you go
Even though I say it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
No, I don't live in a world without you
Time is standing still
Time that healls all wounds
It doesn't run without you
I can't let you go
Even though I scream it is better
Alone and without you
I just can't handle it
I miss your arms around me
And everything I love so much
No I don't live in a world
Without you
Zonder Jou
Ik heb een masker opgezet
En als mijn vrienden erom vragen
Zeg ik dat het heerlijk is alleen
Je foto's zijn al van de wand
Alsof ik zo vergeten kan
Dat ik je mis
Hoe koud het is
Hoe leeg zo zonder jou
Hier om me heen
Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al zeg ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld zonder jou
Ik heb bijna alles geprobeerd
Alles om je te vergeten
Ik lieg als ze me vragen hoe het gaat
Ik lees wat boeken, kijk TV
Maar daar verandert ook niets mee
Ik voel nog steeds
Verlang nog steeds
Ik denk nog steeds
En steeds alleen aan jou
Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al zeg ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld zonder jou
De tijd staat stil
De tijd die alle wonden heelt
Ze loopt niet zonder jou
Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al schreeuw ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
En alles aan je waar ik zo van hou
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld
Zonder jou
En als mijn vrienden erom vragen
Zeg ik dat het heerlijk is alleen
Je foto's zijn al van de wand
Alsof ik zo vergeten kan
Dat ik je mis
Hoe koud het is
Hoe leeg zo zonder jou
Hier om me heen
Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al zeg ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld zonder jou
Ik heb bijna alles geprobeerd
Alles om je te vergeten
Ik lieg als ze me vragen hoe het gaat
Ik lees wat boeken, kijk TV
Maar daar verandert ook niets mee
Ik voel nog steeds
Verlang nog steeds
Ik denk nog steeds
En steeds alleen aan jou
Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al zeg ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld zonder jou
De tijd staat stil
De tijd die alle wonden heelt
Ze loopt niet zonder jou
Ik kan je niet laten gaan
Al schreeuw ik dat het beter is
Alleen en zonder jou
Ik kan het gewoon niet aan
Ik mis je armen om me heen
En alles aan je waar ik zo van hou
Nee, ik leef niet in een wereld
Zonder jou
Thursday, 25 November 2010
Meaning of what?
I guess many people are having problems with the question I am about to pose and I am sure that many people don't even understand the sincerity of it. But what in god's name is the purpose of life?
Why are we humans on this little life bulb called Earth. I had a very deep conversation with one of my roommates the other day and she believes that every single human being is alive and on this planet for a reason. That reason can be big or small, but it will always be big for the person in question. After looking at her like a dumb donkey I dared her to tell me what my life purpose is, because I hadn't/haven't found out yet myself. She honestly thinks that the purpose of my life is to help other people, which to a certain extent is true. As long as I like these people I am more than happy to help them with their issues, I'll even catch a bullet for them. Why? Simple....Because I don't give a fuck about myself.
I will never ever bend down to pick up what another person has dropped if I don't like them. I don't even think they deserve a nice facial expression from me when they are around. You see how horrible I am? The reason I am doing this is because individuals, or just people in general depends on how you look at it, have fucked me over so much that I don't think it's worth any effort to make new friends or be kind. Yes I am a bad person so that proves the point that I want to help people to a certain degree.
Back to the main question however. In a nutshell; we are pooped out by our mothers, learn how to walk and talk. Go to kindergarden, primary school, secondary school, high school, get a degree, job, wife/husband kids, a dog and live life happily ever after and then die. Of course most individuals experience it in a slightly different way (think of divorced parents, death of spouse etc) but this is just my simple train of though. So really. What's the use of life?
My theory is that when you kill two thirds of the entire humanity the world and it's content will be better off. Why? Because that'll mean there's less polution of any kind, etc. I am more than happy to be the first to be shot in the head for this project because I believe this is the only way we'll be able to save planet Earth from ourselves.
You know what, commiting suicide seems so simple and easy nowadays. Even when I am watching a film and something happens to one of the maincharacters that is emotionally tearing me apart I automatically think 'well kill yourself it'll save you all the bullshit and crap'. Most people might not understand this because they haven't been through the same stuff as I did. Others do understand it but I don't want to know about it.
To be honest there is really no good answer to this question. If you don't want to live I'll say commit suicide, if you do enjoy life then don't. I myself try to live every single day to the full, it's the little things that keep me going even though I'm probably as suicidal as I can be. I wouldn't give a shit being hit by a truck and dying instantly, I wouldn't give a shit being hit and having to suffer before dying. That's life. Of course there are people in my life that I care about and I know they'll be more than upset to find out I'm dead. However, the only people I really care about are very old anyway and I think they won't make it another five or ten years or so. People don't really need me help, when I'm gone they'll be able to let their emotions loose on someone else. When I'm gone they'll grieve about me for a couple of months, finis. nada. punt. klaar. That's it.
Then why am I still alive? Because I don't have the balls? Because I am too weak to actually throw myself off a building or a bridge or jump in front of a train? I don't know, I've never tried it so I can't say. It is more that I keep going because of curiosity. I believe that there is actually something out there worth living for, I thought I had found that something a couple of months ago but that just turned out to be a big no go. I still cry myself to sleep many nights because of it. I will keep going until I have found out for sure whether there is something to live for. It may be an object, a person, or whatever. I'm too curious to give up now. And if there isn't anything out there...well...
I'll have to think of a damn creative and original way to rob myself from my own life as I hate copycats.
Why are we humans on this little life bulb called Earth. I had a very deep conversation with one of my roommates the other day and she believes that every single human being is alive and on this planet for a reason. That reason can be big or small, but it will always be big for the person in question. After looking at her like a dumb donkey I dared her to tell me what my life purpose is, because I hadn't/haven't found out yet myself. She honestly thinks that the purpose of my life is to help other people, which to a certain extent is true. As long as I like these people I am more than happy to help them with their issues, I'll even catch a bullet for them. Why? Simple....Because I don't give a fuck about myself.
I will never ever bend down to pick up what another person has dropped if I don't like them. I don't even think they deserve a nice facial expression from me when they are around. You see how horrible I am? The reason I am doing this is because individuals, or just people in general depends on how you look at it, have fucked me over so much that I don't think it's worth any effort to make new friends or be kind. Yes I am a bad person so that proves the point that I want to help people to a certain degree.
Back to the main question however. In a nutshell; we are pooped out by our mothers, learn how to walk and talk. Go to kindergarden, primary school, secondary school, high school, get a degree, job, wife/husband kids, a dog and live life happily ever after and then die. Of course most individuals experience it in a slightly different way (think of divorced parents, death of spouse etc) but this is just my simple train of though. So really. What's the use of life?
My theory is that when you kill two thirds of the entire humanity the world and it's content will be better off. Why? Because that'll mean there's less polution of any kind, etc. I am more than happy to be the first to be shot in the head for this project because I believe this is the only way we'll be able to save planet Earth from ourselves.
You know what, commiting suicide seems so simple and easy nowadays. Even when I am watching a film and something happens to one of the maincharacters that is emotionally tearing me apart I automatically think 'well kill yourself it'll save you all the bullshit and crap'. Most people might not understand this because they haven't been through the same stuff as I did. Others do understand it but I don't want to know about it.
To be honest there is really no good answer to this question. If you don't want to live I'll say commit suicide, if you do enjoy life then don't. I myself try to live every single day to the full, it's the little things that keep me going even though I'm probably as suicidal as I can be. I wouldn't give a shit being hit by a truck and dying instantly, I wouldn't give a shit being hit and having to suffer before dying. That's life. Of course there are people in my life that I care about and I know they'll be more than upset to find out I'm dead. However, the only people I really care about are very old anyway and I think they won't make it another five or ten years or so. People don't really need me help, when I'm gone they'll be able to let their emotions loose on someone else. When I'm gone they'll grieve about me for a couple of months, finis. nada. punt. klaar. That's it.
Then why am I still alive? Because I don't have the balls? Because I am too weak to actually throw myself off a building or a bridge or jump in front of a train? I don't know, I've never tried it so I can't say. It is more that I keep going because of curiosity. I believe that there is actually something out there worth living for, I thought I had found that something a couple of months ago but that just turned out to be a big no go. I still cry myself to sleep many nights because of it. I will keep going until I have found out for sure whether there is something to live for. It may be an object, a person, or whatever. I'm too curious to give up now. And if there isn't anything out there...well...
I'll have to think of a damn creative and original way to rob myself from my own life as I hate copycats.
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
No one wants a broken heart
I was writing my best male friend an e-mail the other day and when I was reading it again it kind of shocked me. He told me that the reason I have boyfriends is because I need someone. Doesn't matter who it is. Unfortunately that is true to a certain degree, but something has happened over the past couple of months that has changed that. I'll save you a long story and just put the main bit in and explain it afterwards.
"I just want to get one thing straight. When I got to know Ben I thought I wasn't over Harry yet. As you know the relationship between Harry and me was just one big lie. I wasn't planning on getting a new boyfriend because I had already in mind to find a new cute man in Holland. I had only 6 months to go and that is a very short period. I was already glad that I didnt have to break up with Harry 'just because I happened to be Dutch and I happened to move back to Holland'. But Ben just crossed my path. As I said, I didn't expect him to step in to my life and most of all, I didn't expect that I would fall in love with him. I'm sorry to say this as it must be very hard for you to swollow. But I love that guy to the bone. For whom he is and for what he has done to me. He has showed me that after all that pain men have brought me there is actually one guy out there who hasn't got the intention to hurt me. At the same time that is the biggest reason I hate him. I hate it when he doesn't email me back straight away but a month later after I've put effort in writing an e-mail. I hate knowing that he's having fun with loads of new girls around him as he's in sixth form now. I hate how I dream about him almost every night in which I still tbelieve we're together and I hate waking up after knowing it was just a dream. I hate thinking about him, I hate talking about him. I hate that I hate him and I hate that he's got me under his skin. Because it hurts. It hurts so much James. Contradicting isn't it? And its that you can't see it but saying this makes me cry. I've never spilled so many tears over a guy. So many real tears. he makes me vulnerable and you are the person to know that no one is allowed to see that. "
I'll start at the beginning. At the end of 2009 my boyfriend back then, called Harry, broke up with me. At that time I was devastated but it only took me five weeks to realise that I had never liked him. That I went out with him because I needed the cuddles, kisses and hugs. He wasn't the first with whom I realised that was actually why I went out with them. This was because we had absolutely nothing in common. I'm extravert, very open and honest. He made me quiet and shy. Someone/thing I'm not but above all; we never talked. I don't think that in those ten months we went out we ever had a proper conversation about something serious. About what he wanted to do when he was older, or what I wanted to become when I was old enough to get a job and kids. What interested him or the other way around. I don't even know his favourite colour or food. I still don't even though we were 'friends' at first. You see we were stuck together at school in this group with about twenty people. I don't think that the majority could even get along so I'd already known Harry for over a year when we started dating and going out.
Anyway back to that e-mail. We'd broken up and the christmas holiday had started. I finally felt fine after five long and lonely weeks trying to get over the fact he had dumped me (and not the other way around). I even think that was the hardest bit for me to deal with, the fact that I got dumped. During the Christmas holiday I got in touch with this little brother of another 'friend' of mine. This was over facebook and he randomly started commenting on one of my photographs. After heavy and fun discussions on facebook we exchanged e-mail addresses and started chatting on msn (how cheecky). I found out that this little brother of my friend was actually more mature than my friend himself. Definitely more handsome I have to say. You know what it's like. You start to chatt and you start to fancy him. O.K. I didn't actually know the guy because I never had a conversation with him in real life, but nonetheless this made it more interesting and adventerous. From then on it all went so fast, before we knew it we were a couple. However no one knew, at least not the unimportant people, because he is a little bit younger than me and we thought it would've been the best for ourselves if not that many people knew about it.
God what an amazing time we had in England. It hurts thinking about the many fun things we've done, about all the times I got in hysterics because of him. It hurts thinking about his handsome face and the little things he used to do. I miss his clumsiness and I love the fact he's stubborn as hell. I also love the fact he sticks his tongue out to one side when he's concentrating on something and I also love the fact he can give such cheecky smiles without knowing it and that he used to turn red when I pointed out he was giving me that sexy, sexy smile. I miss his childish handwriting and I miss the way he smells. Even after having broken up for two months and two weeks already.
I wasn't even planning on meeting this guy. I knew I was going back to holland within six months and I was mentally preparing myself for that. There's a reason why I say; "I'm sorry to say this and it must be very hard for you to swollow" to my friend in the e-mail. This is because the night before I left England I threw a "Goodbye" party for my friends. My best friend got a bit pissed and as we both slept in the boarding house he turned up to my door at night. It took him so much effort to tell me the stuff he had told me that night but he admitted that he had been head over heels with me probably since he had known me, which is more than two years. Even after I've been the biggest bitch to him. Excuse me for my use of language but there is no better word to desribe it. I've done and said the most horrible things to my best friend because I was trying to keep him on a distance. Because I'm scared of losing people, good friends, as I've been through it all before. I hate myself for spending more time with my ex boyfriend than with my friends but that is the way things happened back then.
I'm such a chaos when you think about it. I make people hate me so I don't have to bond with them. James found out the hard way and still stayed loyal to me. Ben turned out to be a dissapointment in every single way. Guys when you ever consider it; long distance relationship just don't work. I'm the result and the prove of it. No one wants a broken heart
"I just want to get one thing straight. When I got to know Ben I thought I wasn't over Harry yet. As you know the relationship between Harry and me was just one big lie. I wasn't planning on getting a new boyfriend because I had already in mind to find a new cute man in Holland. I had only 6 months to go and that is a very short period. I was already glad that I didnt have to break up with Harry 'just because I happened to be Dutch and I happened to move back to Holland'. But Ben just crossed my path. As I said, I didn't expect him to step in to my life and most of all, I didn't expect that I would fall in love with him. I'm sorry to say this as it must be very hard for you to swollow. But I love that guy to the bone. For whom he is and for what he has done to me. He has showed me that after all that pain men have brought me there is actually one guy out there who hasn't got the intention to hurt me. At the same time that is the biggest reason I hate him. I hate it when he doesn't email me back straight away but a month later after I've put effort in writing an e-mail. I hate knowing that he's having fun with loads of new girls around him as he's in sixth form now. I hate how I dream about him almost every night in which I still tbelieve we're together and I hate waking up after knowing it was just a dream. I hate thinking about him, I hate talking about him. I hate that I hate him and I hate that he's got me under his skin. Because it hurts. It hurts so much James. Contradicting isn't it? And its that you can't see it but saying this makes me cry. I've never spilled so many tears over a guy. So many real tears. he makes me vulnerable and you are the person to know that no one is allowed to see that. "
I'll start at the beginning. At the end of 2009 my boyfriend back then, called Harry, broke up with me. At that time I was devastated but it only took me five weeks to realise that I had never liked him. That I went out with him because I needed the cuddles, kisses and hugs. He wasn't the first with whom I realised that was actually why I went out with them. This was because we had absolutely nothing in common. I'm extravert, very open and honest. He made me quiet and shy. Someone/thing I'm not but above all; we never talked. I don't think that in those ten months we went out we ever had a proper conversation about something serious. About what he wanted to do when he was older, or what I wanted to become when I was old enough to get a job and kids. What interested him or the other way around. I don't even know his favourite colour or food. I still don't even though we were 'friends' at first. You see we were stuck together at school in this group with about twenty people. I don't think that the majority could even get along so I'd already known Harry for over a year when we started dating and going out.
Anyway back to that e-mail. We'd broken up and the christmas holiday had started. I finally felt fine after five long and lonely weeks trying to get over the fact he had dumped me (and not the other way around). I even think that was the hardest bit for me to deal with, the fact that I got dumped. During the Christmas holiday I got in touch with this little brother of another 'friend' of mine. This was over facebook and he randomly started commenting on one of my photographs. After heavy and fun discussions on facebook we exchanged e-mail addresses and started chatting on msn (how cheecky). I found out that this little brother of my friend was actually more mature than my friend himself. Definitely more handsome I have to say. You know what it's like. You start to chatt and you start to fancy him. O.K. I didn't actually know the guy because I never had a conversation with him in real life, but nonetheless this made it more interesting and adventerous. From then on it all went so fast, before we knew it we were a couple. However no one knew, at least not the unimportant people, because he is a little bit younger than me and we thought it would've been the best for ourselves if not that many people knew about it.
God what an amazing time we had in England. It hurts thinking about the many fun things we've done, about all the times I got in hysterics because of him. It hurts thinking about his handsome face and the little things he used to do. I miss his clumsiness and I love the fact he's stubborn as hell. I also love the fact he sticks his tongue out to one side when he's concentrating on something and I also love the fact he can give such cheecky smiles without knowing it and that he used to turn red when I pointed out he was giving me that sexy, sexy smile. I miss his childish handwriting and I miss the way he smells. Even after having broken up for two months and two weeks already.
I wasn't even planning on meeting this guy. I knew I was going back to holland within six months and I was mentally preparing myself for that. There's a reason why I say; "I'm sorry to say this and it must be very hard for you to swollow" to my friend in the e-mail. This is because the night before I left England I threw a "Goodbye" party for my friends. My best friend got a bit pissed and as we both slept in the boarding house he turned up to my door at night. It took him so much effort to tell me the stuff he had told me that night but he admitted that he had been head over heels with me probably since he had known me, which is more than two years. Even after I've been the biggest bitch to him. Excuse me for my use of language but there is no better word to desribe it. I've done and said the most horrible things to my best friend because I was trying to keep him on a distance. Because I'm scared of losing people, good friends, as I've been through it all before. I hate myself for spending more time with my ex boyfriend than with my friends but that is the way things happened back then.
I'm such a chaos when you think about it. I make people hate me so I don't have to bond with them. James found out the hard way and still stayed loyal to me. Ben turned out to be a dissapointment in every single way. Guys when you ever consider it; long distance relationship just don't work. I'm the result and the prove of it. No one wants a broken heart
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