Break Up

Wow. I wanted to write a blog earlier but time just didn't allow me. I have got no words for this at all. I don't know how to describe the feelings I am experiencing. Life is no Nintendo game, nor anything like COD. It burns, it stings. My first thought; It stings like hell. And it does. It's been a week now, or two? I don't even know I've been trying to push it away but that's not the right thing to do. Love the way you lie by Eminem and Rihanna is playing on the background, I'm not even listening to the lyrics but the music describes what I am feeling. I'm feeling hopeless, I don't know what to do. Life is pointless and it's true. The first couple of days have been the most difficult. I went on an introduction week last week for my new Uni, Graphic Design Utrecht, and I started to forget about it. I'm drawing at the moment, it's an assignment for my Uni and all of a sudden it hits me. It is hitting me hard. It's kicking against my brain, my heart. It feels as if my heart has shattered and the pieces are piercing through my lungs and limbs and skin. Trying to poke out. I never expected it to end like this. Never, never did I hope it would end like this. I miss you, I miss you so much, I don't know what to do, I want to change your mind, It's your life, not mine, I can't make your decisions, wish I could, I can't though. My thoughts are forming itself in just a really long random rant.

To make it a bit clearer, this is what happened:

I left my boyfriend for Holland. I've lived in Holland until my 15th. I then moved to England because I used to live with my uncle and aunt and my uncle got a better job there. After a year and a half they moved back to Holland but I decided to finish my school in England because I had only one year left. I did. I'm glad I did. After living with 40 people in a Boarding house at School I met Ben. Benjaming Christopher Stokes. A little bit younger than I am. A lovely guy, boy, guy, boy. Doesn't matter. It's such a stupid thing to say because everyone uses the words, but I wish I could turn back time. That we never started talking. That I never lost a friend over him. Oh Molly, Oh dear. You see, she liked him as well, she liked everyone though. So I figured she wouldn't make a big deal out of Ben and I going out. She did, I lost a friend, a crazy ass wacko friend...Just the kind of people I like. The kind of people I get on with because they are just like me. But she's not like me, she's unique, she's crazy. In a negative way... You see how confused I am? I don't even know whether to like her or not anymore.

Anyway back to my story. I've had eight great months together with Ben. I'm in love with him, and he was in love with me. But I was going back to Holland. We both knew that, oh why didn't we end it straight away, no oh why did we try it at all? We made a hell of a lot of promises; 'we'll always tell each other what we think, no matter what' was one of them, which were the awful words that led to us breaking up. Summer holiday came. I worked for four whole weeks, I worked my arse off so I would have some extra pocket money. Ben was coming over after my own holiday to France and I really needed the money to be able to take him out. After all, he had never been to Holland. So France came and went, I had a great time with another English friend. Ben came and went as well........

The day he arrived we went to Amsterdam, I showed him all the 'funny' corners and I realised how much I had actually missed him. We went to the Zoo the day after, and that's when I found out what was really going on. He was being awfully quiet so when reminding him of our little promise he replied using the words; "I don't know whether I still love you or not". We cried in the Zoo whilst having lunch. We had to survive for another couple of days together so we decided to make the best out of it. I cried myself asleep that night. Since then my heart has cried and cried, I don't think it has ever stopped. Something weird happened though, it wasn't a normal break up (besides the fact he was in Holland I couldn't be with him because it was hurting to much). The next day we had decided to climb a big tower in my city. It took me a bit long to get dressed and do my make-up and I found him hanging on my couch crying his eyes out. When I asked him why he was crying he said: 'Because I still love you'. That's what makes it so hard for me. I love this guy to death, and he says he loves me to. He just doesn't wants to be together with someone who he can't see for a very long time because I'm in Holland and he's in England.

So that was the reason he broke up with me. TRUE LOVES WINS doesn't it? It just posses so many unanswered questions, thing's I can't or don't dare to ask him. Why?

I remember years ago

Someone told me I should take

Caution when it comes to love

I did, I did

And you were strong and I was not

My illusion, my mistake

I was careless, I forgot

I did

And now when all is done

There is nothing to say

You have gone and so effortlessly

You have won

You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof top

Write it on the sky love

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard

Falling for betrayal is worst

Broken trust and broken hearts

I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there

Building faith on love is worst

Empty promises will wear

I know (i know)

And know when all is gone

There is nothing to say

And if you're done with embarrassing me

On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof top

Write it on the sky love

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

Ooh impossible (yeah yeah)

I remember years ago

Someone told me I should take

Caution when it comes to love

I did

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof top

Write it on the sky love

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy (i was happy)

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

I remember years ago

Someone told me I should take

Caution when it comes to love

I did...